God Bless The Beatles
The Heather Advice Skanktuary

Ever since Heather Mills hit a spot on the Oprah Winffrey Show, she has been inspired to help those in need. We were gracious enough to grant her a place to reach out to people, and answer fan questions. Read what advice she has already given, and feel free to submit your own questions.

Like oh my gosh, I get another page! Hi there, girls and boys. Its me, Heather Mills AKA Paul's beautiful, adorable DARLING of a girlfriend. He's so lucky to have me. He TOTALLY takes me forgranted, the b@stard! But I'll show him! Welcome to my own personal skanktuary, advice skanktuary, that is. I'm here to help all of you with your problems! It can be anything from love boo boos, to family problems, anything! I'll give you my advice on this very page. Now Geoff Baker (Paul's publicit) has been on my back all day about this so heres what I HAVE to say: I'm not like one of those psychiatric dudes, or a legal pyschologist person. So my advice is not like, professional. But I'm smart! And I'm cute, so that has to count for something right? Of corse it does! So now that we have the introductions done, lets start fixing some problems! Submit your problem using the form below. I *PROMISE* I'll answer all questions submitted unless I don't feel like it or you're mean. Cuz I'm cute and I don't have to take that crap! Hee hee!

Okay, like totally tell me your problem and junk:

Like, what is your name and where are you from?

E-mail address:

Class, elegance, poise. And now, a word from the real Heather Mills...


"He knows and I know why I'm with him. If I was going to go out with anybody for their money, it would be with someone a lot richer."
- the REAL Heather Mills


Name: Stella McCartney
Problem: Okay you bitch! I know you took some of my money the last time that my dad dragged your psycho ass down here! Give it back this minute or I'll kill ya!

Oh, that is SO not nice! I totally did not steal that stack of hundreds you had sitting so blatantly under your bed in that old shoe box (you know, the one behind the blanket and underneath the  pile of newspapers?). I mean, I didn't even know it was there! But thats a totally obvious hiding spot anyways, so I bet someone else stole it. Some else like...Geoff. Yeah, he is such a thief! This one time, I SO caught him stealing cans of whipped cream at the supermarket. Hmmm, I wonder what he planned on doing with 36 bottles of unopened whipped cream? Beats me, that Geoff is weird, anyway. So if he is capable of stealing whipped cream cans and morphine, I think he's more than liable to have taken your money.
PS. Stay the hell out of my purse!

Name: Jessie
Problem: Okay, this is so not a problem, but I just wondered, what are your fears, Heather?

You mean like phoebia thingies? Now thats just plain old silly! If I was afraid of junk, then the tabloids wouldn't persistantly call me "Brave Heather". After all, if you loose a limb, it automatically makes you brave. Thats the way it works. People ask me if I'm afraid of land mines and I just said HA! I do not fear land mines. I think they are simply gay. Totally un-neato. Thats why we must destroy them, before they destroy us. So be a good little girl and join the fight against land mines. Tee hee, land mine are totally like Visa. They're everywheeerrreee you wanna beeee! 
Very in Touch with Credit Cards,

Name: Sierra of London
What the Did-lio?: Okay, I need your advice Heather. Yesterday I was a bitch and made my two really good friends hate me. I don't know what to do. I want to offer an apology and tell them what was really going on in my head, but they won't let me! Please help me! I don't know if it's still me being the bitch now or if it's them.

Yeah, I can relate to that. You didn't really elaborate what you said or did to be a b*tch thus (isn't that a neato word?), its hard for me to give you any specific advice. Whenever Paul is being fat...or mean, I get pissed at him and like, get up all in his face and junk. I, all like, "Yo! You don't tell me how to live my life! I ain't goin' take dat poo!" Tee hee, I'm like, so intimidating! Anyways, it must work cuz then he apologizes to ME which is the way it should always be (Ooo, that totally rhymed!). Guilt your snotty-ass friends. That'll show 'em! Or maybe you should just take their money. Thats cool too.

Name: Bob of the secret place
What Up?: Hi Heather, this is Bob, your secret boyfriend. Now, I thought it would probably be safe to write to you here since no one reads your advice section anyway. Well here is what I wanted to say: meet me at our secret place tonight anytime after 10:00 and when Paul has fallen asleep. See ya then babe.

Bob! What are you doing, writing to me via advice column?! FYI (Tee hee, that totally stands for "For Your Information"), plenty of people read my column! If they didn't, I wouldn't recieve so many letters. Duh! Now, in answer to your question, er, request...YES, I'll be over tonight. I'll just have Maria, the live-in Mexican maid seduce Paul again. That'll keep him preoccupied.
Lustfully yours,
Seņora Peg

Name: A Dentist
Problem: Have you ever thought of putting on a brace? I think it would make you look a lot sexier!

Oh my gosh, you are freaking stupid! I am ridiculously gorgeous, foo'! Lord have mercy, I don't think I could BE any sexier! Didn't you see me at the Oscars? Tee hee, if you think thats hot, wait till you see my design for the wedding gown. (evil) TEE HEE! My tooths are like neato cuz I have what they call the "sexy gap" (a space in your two front teeth). Besides, I can hide quarters in there.
Off to the arcade, 

Name: June
Problem: Has Paul ever called you Linda or any other name during sex?

No, he's never called me Linder before but he HAS called me Pamela (like, whose THAT?), Lee (usually he calls out that one, following Pamela), Maria (wait, isn't that our maid?!), Bambi, or Tina. I don't know who any of those people are but I guess I'd rather he be calling out their names than moaning, "Rodger!" or "Geoff!". Like EW!
Totally not gay,
The Pegmeister

Name: Brandy
Problem: Is it normal to like a 59 or in your case a 42 year old man when you are 13?

Sure! I don't see anything wrong with liking a guy four times older than you. Ooo, and speaking of old guys, I read in the paper that Anna Nicole Smith had married some dead geezer dude and now she gets payed money cause he died, or something. Whoa, thats just wrong. Things like this make piss Peg off }:( After all, she didn't have to KILL him.

Question: Yay! I'm going to Paul's concert in Washington DC! I'm so excited! I'm going to be exactly 20 rows away from him! Are you going to be there with him, Heather? Or are you totally sick of his shows?

Eeww, those concert thingies are so gay. I don't see the thrill in watching a long, smelly show to watch my old, fat boyfriend sing songs like "From a Lover to a Freedom" and "Driving Whatever". As if I didn't hear those tunes like ALL the time at home, now, he's making me totally inconveniently move around a bunch of countries and watch him sing the same, poo-poo songs. OF CORSE, I have to come along or else I fear he might start banging some chicks he meets on the road. That would be yucky poo cuz he might start PAYING them which is not neato. I'll quote a philosopher thingie when I say, "For the loss of money is the great tragedy of all."
Name: Claire Tillian
Question: Are you pro life or pro choice?
Sure, I think life is neato. I guess that totally makes me pro-life. Tee hee! Cuz if you weren't alive, then you would be dead and if you were dead, then you wouldn't get to go shopping and buy stuff. That wouldn't be fun. So I support life and junk.
Yay For Life,
Geoff: Riiight, what little Heather was trying to say is that she feels it is every woman's choice as to whether or not they want to bear an infant or not. Yay choice, boo abortion. Right. Off to kill myself...
Name: Katie from Idaho
Problem-o: Well, my problem is this: I can't decide on a prom dress. I really look up to your sense of style, like the hoochy thing you wore to the Oscars!Totally skank, dear! But I don't have good abs and am missing a limb.... is it still ok for me to try to go for the more revealing look?
Tee hee, like I always say, "If you got it, strut it!" Like, I think a bunch of peoples have gross bodies. I mean, they are so fat. Ew! Like Paul. Oh my G, y'all, Paul totally has this gravity disease! He told me about it the other day when I asked him why a man of his age (42) is all saggy and junk. He says that his disease is rare and only few celebrities have it, like Charleston Heston and Goldie Hawn. Only, Goldie has surgery to make her disease show less. The diagnosis-thingie goes like so: you reach a certain age in your life when suddenly, gravity beats yo ass, and you get all saggy and stuff. Poor Paul. I need to have him go do what Goldie did. Oh wait...didn't you have some kind of question you wanted me to answer? Tee hee, I like forget stuff sometimes. Anywho, you certainly asked the right person when it comes to advice on selecting a formal gown. I would say, hook yoself up with something that bares your chest, tummy, back, and thighs. Yeah, that'll be really exquisite. You'll be the Cinderella White of the gown!
Best wishes,
Name: Linda- from beyond the grave.
Question: Um... so, you're marrying Paul? He's really nice. He's good too. But anyroad, I don't think you care. Do you enjoy his money? I hope so because he loves it when women love his money more then him. Well, I have to go! Bye!
Upon Peg's request of a psycho-fortune teller, Miss Cleo Answers: Ah, so ya come to haunt da poor legless girl but again, eh? Well Miss Cleo can see you and she know you be doin' the sex with Jim Morrison in da heaven. Don't dink Miss Cleo don't know! You continue to bother Peg and Miss Cleo will tell the Sir wut you be up to! By da way, anyone got a love-question, ask me! CALL ME KNOW, for your free-reading. And please God, someone...kill me.
Name: Mary
Question: How often a week do you and Paul have sex? I know he doesn't want you talking about your sex life or anything, but like you say, who cares what he thinks?
Paul: Now Mary, didn't daddy tell you already to stop asking asking Peggy about our sex life? I know you're trying to make her dish out some black mail, but our intimate affairs is OUR buisness. Now go sleep out in the guesthouse so Mommy and I can...er, go play...chess.
All the Best!
- Sir Macca
Name: Peg Hills
Problem: Hi Heather! First of all, I think you are the best and now for my problem! I have 2 men in my life and 1 of them is poor but he loves me. The other one is really rich but just wants a wife and he doesn't love me! What should I do???

Hold on a minute, the rich one wants a WIFE and he doesn't even love YOU? You said you had *2* men, and that doesn't sound like he's much of your man if he doesn't even love you. So technically, you only have ONE man and he's poor but he loves you. Dump him. My goodness, girl, what were you thinking? Unless he has a rich Uncle Waldo that invented paper-clips, you're out of luck. Like, I need some paper clips so I can totally make a chain thingy and play with it. Tee hee!

Name: Vicky of closer than you think...
Problem: I'm just wondering, Heather, seeing as how you seem motivated by money...if a lesbian woman came along and she was rich beyond belief - yes, even richer than Paul - would you leave Paul and start a relationship with her?

Well, I would have to proceed systematically in order to acheive a good settlement. First, I would marry Paul and totally divorce his ass so I could win lots of money (weee!). Then, I would go for the butch dike! Wait a tic, lesbians are gay and being gay is not coolio. Like, she would have to be Per-ritty RICH! Well then again...maybe I wouldn't cuz than I would get all this bad publicity and people would stop telling me how cute I am. Like, what an unfairs question! You're asking me to choose money over popularity! Meanie!

Name: Carmen of Hoooorrrra
Problem: Ummm... tee hee! Like Heather, how's the Viagra
working out for Paulie? Tee Hee! Is he pretty good at hittin' the 'ol hay? Tee Hee!

Viagra? My Paul needs none of that! Ya see, cause he's all old and junk, he's not too "with the times" when it comes to technologies such as that wonder pill. But better he be naive to such a thing! If he only knew such a thing existed, we'd be doing it like bunnies in springtime! Ew. As if I don't get enough of that already.

Name: DayTripper18
Problem: Dear Heather, If I pay you 100,000,000 dollars can I sleep with Paul for 40 days and 40 nights? PLEASE PLEASE!!!! I'll bring him back before he has to go on tour!!! OMG, PLEASE I'll bring him back!

Paul Answers for Heather: Now luv, you have to understand that I am not a sex-object to be borrowed out. You must learn to treat me like a human being with love and respect. Keep it real, sexy mama with the hot ass.

Name: Kirsten
Problem: Hi Darling! I love the flower frock. What designers do you like to wear? Does Paulie give you the money to buy them?

HA! Paul GIVING me money? That would be so tight! Unfortunately for yours trully, I have to go about stealing it myself if I want to make a buck or two. But yeah, I like all sorts of designer brands. Like, I wear stuff from Target and TJ-Max. Oh! And I'm the new model for Macey's so buy their crap too. Its probably neato, how would I know?

Name: Liz of Alaska
Problem-O: I don't know why i can't get a boyfriend! I mean I'm pretty and all, but I'm missing a limb! Should this matter?

Awww, don't worry honey! There are like some totally good ways you can call attention to your sexy-little-self like I did. First, you must grab the public's attention. My best suggestion: Go nudey in a magazine. Tee hee! Then, appear on as many of them talk-show thingies as humanly possible. You know of those commercials for like Jenny Jones and Sally that they post up where they ask if you would like be on their show cause of "blah blah blah blah blah"? These are the ones to look out for: "Like, hello! If you broke off a leg or an arm or something gay like that, you can totally be on our show! Just call the toll-free number and tell us your story. Okay, bye!" Yeah, you should watch for those kind of commercials and when you see one, TOTALLY call! Except, I strongly advice you not to appear on that Ricki Lake show cuz when you get to know her, she's a total b*tch. Besides, she's fat and being fat is stupid. I am SO much prettier than her.

Name: Denise
Problem: What are somethings Paul tells you everyday?

Oh, like Paul totally tells me a lot of junk. He tells me to "Shut up" on a daily basis...the bastard. He also often tells me, "Peg, when are you going to get a job?" Like, who does he think he is? He's my freaking fiance` which means he has to support me financially FOREVER. He feels that it would teach me "a thing or two about the real world". Whatever. The real world is gay. My life is coolio.

Name: Kadi Sue
Problem: Have you ever walked in on Paulie in the bathroom? If so what did he do?

Why sure, I HAVE to walk in on him while he's in the loo. Honestly, I'm constantly having to keep my eye on that boy so he doesn't get into any more mischeif. What does he do when he hits the can, you ask? Is he taking a piss? Poo-no! He's always smoking something that smells funny or looking at some chick-flick magazines (I've seen the titles and they just confuse me. Why would Paul want to look at a magazine called "GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!" anyway? I mean, OBVIOUSLY thats a chick magazine! Not a BOY magazine. DuH!). His response to me catching him is usually a groan or an excuse ("But Heather dearest, its only a CIGARETTE! What ELSE would I be smoking?"). Paul must have had crappy parents because I'M the one who has to straighten him up all the time. Being Paul's girlfriend is a b*tch sometimes.

Name: Kate
Problem: What's the most horrible gift Paul has ever got you?

Like, what a totally mean question! Paul gets me sucky gifts all the time and I loose track of them all. My goodness, which one has sucked the MOST? Probably his idea of a practical-joke gift. He once thought it would be funny to give me a wooden bird and a carving tool. "Get it?! So you can carve a birdhouse in your prosthetic leg and keep a bird in it?! Oh lighten up, Peg!" I thought that was NOT nice. Another crappy gift he got me was a truck-load of books he wanted me to read. Crap like "How To Cook Your Husband A Decent Meal" and "Where Babies Really Come From". Its so gay how he feels he has to "educate" me of the real world. Like, I'm stupid or something! Whats up with THAT?

Name: Mary
Problem: I don't know what to think of you Heather. Are you a good person or a bad person?

Geez, like how the hell are you expecting me to answer that question? Do you think I would actually answer by saying I'm a bad person? Girl, I am neato! I am coolio, I'm waaaay happening (tee hee, and I'm all '60s-like too!). So you've nothing to contemplate. Just love me.

Name: Tiffanie of California
Problem: Hi Heather! Okay, I don't know hardly anything about the Beatles or anybody involed with them. I figured that since you would know the most about yourself, you should be the one to answer this: are you British or American?

Oooh, I am soooo British! Like, I can talk all with a British accent. Here, listen: TEE HEE! My name is Heather! I think land mines are mean! TEE HEE!

Name: Angela of England
Problem-o: See, I'm a hooker and everyone is always making me feel dirty and sleazy and I always feel bad about myself. I don't have any real friends and I feel like a waste of a person. What should I do? Should I get another job? It's just that the one I have now is so easy..but I'm tired of feeling dirty. I just don't know what to do.

Honey, there ain't nothing wrong with what ya doing to make a buck. Take it from me, we all have to go to extremes to make $money$ even if that includes marrying 42 year old Bengay, capped-tooth, washed-out, fat old farts. Not that I would know what THATs like. But you see my point? So if you feel dirty, I suggest charging dudes that are more sophisticated and who will treat you right - not the bums from the slums. I've been down that road before and its like doing a U-turn in the HOV lane. I keep trying but it keeps on not working!

Name: Vanessa of the chair
Problem: Okay Heather, I am like doing my homework right now and I don't understand this math problem! Like gawd, my homework is sooo hard to do! Okay, I'm going to give you the problem since you're sooo smart and intelligent. What is 10x10?? I know! It's like so big! My math teacher is so unfair!

You came to the right person! I am TOTALLY good a math thingy-ma-jiggies. Okay, I whipped out my portable calculator and typed in the keys. The correct answer is...20. Happy to help! Cheers, Peg

Name: Little Nicola from Paul's bed (hee hee)
Problem: I just wanted to know if it's true that you slept with Ringo? And how does Paul compare?

Like, I may be sleazy but I'm not easy! Tee hee. No, I haven't made babies with Ringo. I think Paul is aged but Ringo is just flat-out OLD! I mean, look at the crazy bastard. He's bald, wears sunglasses to cover the sags under his eyes, huge honker, and has an earing. Ugh! He reminds me of Howard Stern 30 years from now. Besides, didn't he make the least money anyway?

Name: Ashley
Problem: What do you like about Paul besides looks and money?

He has his own car.
Cheers! - Peg

Name: Amber
Problemo: What kind of GAMES does Paul like to play?

Doctors and Nurses, Ring Around the Paulie, Tic-Tac-Toe (he totally kicks my ass at that one!), Checkers (what a geezer), The Quiet Game, and Who Wants To Be Paul's Skank. All the best, Heather

Name: Sllim RehtaeH of Luap's Wallet
Problem-o: Heather! You are so my fave celebrity! I think we have so much in common! You're the BEST! Can you tell me where a smart guy would hide his wallet? Luap has hidden his from me, and with your experience, I know you can help me!

Locating Paul's wallet can be VERY stressful from time to time. I've learned his "secret spot" where he hides ALL his personal things from me (wallet, dirty magazines, reefer) but now, he can get clever and hide it in other various spots. I suggest you check all his pant-pockets, the oven, behind the toilet, under his pillow, or any place he wouldn't expect you to look (for me, that includes the encyclopedia shelf, the vegatable cabinet, and the laundry room). It may take you a little while but theres always hope! Good luck.

Name: Shea of London
Problem: Alright, um Heather, I'm a lesbian and I think I'm in love with you. You are so beautiful and seem like such a
wonderful person! You are always trying to stop landminds from taking over the world and everything. Do you think I'm weird for being in love with you? And what should I do?

Paul (substituting for Heather who is currently looking up "lesbian"): No dear, there is nothing wrong with you taking a fancy to my fiance`. But what should you do about it? Well I suggest you drop on by and I'm sure we could have some jolly good times. Hope to see you soon, luv.
All the Best, Paul

Name: Sandi from Sandville
Problem: First of all Heather, I just want to put you on a
pedestal, I think you are the greatest woman alive! Anywayz, I am getting married to a man who has four children from a previous marriage, and I am worried that his kids won't like me. I know that you are in a similar situation and I was wondering if you got along with Paul's children?

Those annoying weenies?! Heavens no! Paul's kids are as old (AND older, might I add) than me which is NOT nice. His eldist daughter...er, what was her name...oh yeah! Linda! His eldist daughter Linda is always saying, "Heather, respect your elders." And I say, "Yo bi-otch, don't dish out that bull-sheet on me, mutha'!" Tee hee, I'm SO ghetto. I didn't used to be until Paul introduced me to rap music (apparently, he's a BIG Eminem fan). There is only one thing you can do in a situation like this and you know what is. My only advice is this: to kill his children. No kids, no prob. Take it from me, you'll be better off! Cheers!

Riiiiiight, this is Geoff Baker on behalf of Heather Mills. I'm here to clarify what she meant by saying "kill his children". I think what Heather was TRYING to say is to make friends with these new soon-to-be stepchildren and violence is mean. If anyone needs me, I'll be getting a morphine 'fix'. Riiiiight, Geoff.

Name: *Alice* of Cincinnati, Ohio
Problem: Hi Heather! Love you're advice, I totally live by it like almost 8 days a week! I just have a question. I saw that you're modeling for Macy's now and they gave you your own full page add and magazine and junk, (wow, your SO special!)and I was just wondering, isn't it hard to model with your fake leg? Like how DO you do it!

Well ya see, its very scientific-like! My fake leg thingie-ma-bobber...what's that you say, Paul? Prosthetic? Hey, thats not what its called! A prosthetic is one of those chicks who go make babies for money. Anywho, my fake leg was made to look REALLY real-like and people can't even tell that its artificial. The only hints of it being a fake are the screws in the knee-cap and the bite marks where Paul and I were playing...oh wait! I'm not allowed to talk about THAT. Tee hee.

Name: Teather- like, where I am
Problemo: Like, totally hello! My name is Teather and I think you are so completely neato Heather! It is like soo coolio how you support one legged people and everthing, cause that must SO suck when one of your legs breaks off. If that happened to me I'd be like 'Oh poo!' Also, I have like this identical twin sister somewhere who has this billionare famous boyfriend (who's name I totally didn't catch) who lost her leg in this motorcyle accident the exact same day that it happened to you!! Now is that like totally scary or what?? I wonder like how that happened?? Btw Heather, like you are so cute! And like one day I looked in the mirror and I realised that I look so completely like you it's scary! Well, not really scary, because you are so cute and if I look like you then that means I'm cute too and that must be a good thing.

Tee hee! You sound like *SO* remarkable familiar. I wish I could put my finger on it...hmmm...wait a minute! I know who you must be. Oprah! HI OPRAH! Hee hee, it was sooo coolio being on your show. I got to talk all about ME and thats always fun. You are so right, we look practically identicle. You, with your fat blackness and me, with my white honkiness. Tee hee, we're like soul sisters.

Name: Apple Scruff
Problem: Hi Heather. I don't have serious problems beside the fact that YOU are Paul's fianc. Anyway I just wanted your faithful readers to know that you're a LIAR! Yes, cuz the gap between your teeth isn't yours. When you were younger you loved Madonna so much that you ran to the dentist and asked him to open the gap!! You'd better own up!! Now that we know this the question is: where do the dark roots come from?

No no no. You got it alllllll wrong. MADONNA had a gap made in HER teeth so she could look like ME. And she's not the first person to try being like me. Ever since I wrote my book "Be Heather" it seems like all these people have been trying to copy everything I do. Whats THAT all about? I mean, they weren't ACTUALLY suppose to copy me! They were suppose to buy it so I could make money, Like, duh! That was the point of writing it. Screw what Geoff says, I'm writing a book about sex!

Name: JWL
Problemo: Do you want Paul to die soon so you'll inherit all his money?

That is SO not nice! I would never want Paul to die, even if I inherrited all of his many moneys. Thats just crude, how could you say such a thing? I love Paul with all my heart and he means so much to me. He's the most wonderful person in the whole world! Besides, I was only going to DIVORCE him abd make a settlement. No dying! See? Easy as pie.

Name: Fr*ncie Schw*rtz
Problem: What would you do if someone you shagged has been married to some bird for many years, then is marrying a one-legged bimbo? We all know he's MINE!

Bimbo?! I'm no flying elephant, missy! And we don't like calling ourselves "one-legged". We prefer "the left-leg impaired"...or is it my right leg? Tee hee, I tend to forget!

Name: Jennifer of CA
Problem: Dear Heather, First of all, let me tell you that like, I totally dig your advice column! It's so cool! Anywho, I have a TOTALLY major problem. I used to have a major crush on Paul. Especially after Linda first died, cos he was available. Around the time he met you, I met my "soulmate"...and see I'm bisexual (meaning that I swing both ways...date males and females) and well...okay...this isn't a joke question like a lot are on this page...this is a serious problem I really have, and I really need some serious advice. I found
out that she (my girlfriend) was cheating on me...with several other women. And despite my anger with her, I still love her dearly and want to live with her forever. The thing is, she doesn't want me. My life feels so empty without her...she was my first, and I think possibly only, love I've ever had. What should I do? Should I try to win her back? Let her leave? How am I suppose to cope with this loss?

Like, I always kinda thought "bi" people were gays in denial but it sounds like you might go 'both ways'. Personally, I could NEVER swing that way. I mean, that girl would have to be PREEEEEETTY rich to win my affection. Hey, does anyone know if that Ellen girl is loaded? Back to your problemo! You need to come right out and say it to your girlfriend: I think your neato but your treating me wrong and I'm not gonna take it. There are ways of saying NO and I have to reject Paul all the time...practically every NIGHT! So don't dispair! All hope is not lost.

Name: Boob
Problem: Just wondering, do you like to play pirate in the
bedroom with Paul? And does Paul ever take your peg leg, whittle it, and make you little wooden animals and things of the sort when he's bored?

Yeah, like I wish! That would be SO neato! But unfortunately, my leg isn't wood and Paul can't whittle. Tee hee, I like that idea. Little wooden animals. I need to go invest in some of those. I bet they're gonna sell like the PlayStation II! Or a Furby, or whatever you kids are buying these days. I heard something about a crap-box, no wait, maybe it was an X-Box. Who knows?

Name: Vicky of right.....here.
Problem: Not a problem, just a question. Are you and Paul
ever planning on having children? Or maybe Paul won't be able to, y'know, due to his age and all, he'll be getting weaker won't he? Still, any plans for kids and what would ya call them?

Kids?! Yucky poo. I think children are the devil. They are sticky, and smelly and ugly. Paul wants to have kids but what does he know? He's not the one who would have to pump out a 10 pound cyst of a child through what would be in comparison to a man, his EAR! Thats what it would be like! But nOooOOoOOOo, only poor delicate little HEATHER would have to be pumpin' out babies. Ouchies. But we're thinking about it, well Paul's thinking about it, I've got me mind made up. Names? I would probably name my first born...Heather! Thats a coolio name. Or maybe...Peggy!

Name: Rachael Starkey of Ringo's arms
Problem: Heather, which leg are you missing?

The prosthetic one.
Regards, Peg

Name: Anna - Friar park
Problem: Heather, honey, you do know that dentists invented braces to the end with the whole gap thingie... Paul can stick his tongue between those gaps, girl!

And he does too. Well he used to, before "the accident". That one time it got stuck. Bad memories. Anywho, I don't need braces. Braces are mean.

Name: Linda McCartney- Heaven.
Problem: What the hell are you doing!? Paul is Mine! I havn't been dead 4 years, and your already with some chick that likes your $$$ more than you! I learned Piano for you! I sang for you! I...well, we wont get into that. But, Heather. You keep your hands off my Paulie!!!


Name: Rachael Starkey of Ringo's arms
Problem: Heather, just to ask you, because I know, what was the name of the band Paul was in, with George, John and Ringo?

Oh, like I know this one! Why wouldn't I? Paul educates me on this kinda stuff. The name of their band was WINGS. Regards, Heather

Name: Star of Missouri
Problem: Well nahhh its not really a problem you see... my friend and I are going to kidnap Paul when he goes on tour. heehee! We are going to have fun with him. Oh yeah, I almost forgot we are going to cut off your other leg and make you eat it..LMAO.

Paul (substituting for Heather whom is currently looking up 'LMAO'): Love, my fiance` and I would appreciate it if you would not threaten her like that. I know where your coming from on this, but think of it from my persepctive: if you cut her leg off, I'd be screwing a quadropleagic. And thats just not very keen. So let her keep her leg...oh, and don't kidnap me. You can take Geoff if you'd like. Cheers! - Paul

Name: Torrey from that place across that ocean
Problem: Its more like a question. While making whoopy with Paul, and say your on top, do you ever loose your balance and fall over? Doesn't that really hurt Paul?

Thats never been a problem. I'm NEVER on top. Paul has had this superiority complex ever since Linda died and junk. She had him whipped for 30 odd years so now Paul takes advantage of 'being the man'. Do I care? Whatever, as long as I get my daily allowance...

Name: Johanna Lumley
Problem: Hello Sweetie Darling! How can I become a great selfless person that works for charities like you? Do I have to work for charities that only have something to do with me?

The answer is obviously YES. You see, I didn't give a flying poo about amputees until I became one. Just like Linda probably didn't give a poo about breast cancer-ees before she got it. Now if you are free of illness and you still want to do charity work, I suggest starting off with land mines. Land minds are mean. They are SO not nice. They blow up and junk and they TOTALLY kill all these poor ants and scorpions. Not neato! We must put an end to them before they put an end to ANTS! And then, a total chain reaction will occur. No ants, no anteaters. And what aminal relys on anteaters as a source of food?...thats right, bears. And what happens when all the bears go extinct? That means cows who used to ear the bears will die too. And with no cows, that means I don't get my McDonalds...NOT COOL! So support your local Land mine relief fund.

Name: Amanda
Problem: Does Paul have a special name for his...um...well you know? If so what is it?

Yes, he has several names for it: Old Spanky, Old Faithful, The Little Engine that Could, the Ricardo (when he's feeling Mexican), Dick Cheney (or just Cheney), Joe Bob, and Stuffie.

Name: Mandy
Problem: I have seen pictures of the Beatles in their swimsuits. You know the Beatles? John, Paul, George, and Ringo? And I noticed that it looks like Paul doesn't have anything compared to the other Beatles. Is this true?

Seeing as I've never met the other lads, I wouldn't know. But Paul isn't too bad. Geoff Baker set up an equation where you could find out his...measurements for yourself. Keep reading the column and you'll see it. Cheers! - Heather

Name: Groupie
Problem: I dont want to fall in love EVER. i dont want to
get married or have children, just follow bands and "date" members of the bands i follow. my mom thinks there is something wrong with me, is there?

Absolutely...not. You are doing nothing wrong and frankly that is a great idea you have goin' on there. If these guys are rich, you can make some money off of them without the worry of commitment. I am TOTALLY tied down to Paul which is not neato, but thats life. Hey, guess what I learned the other day? Paul is like, left-handed! Isn't that the coolest? Tee hee!

Name: Ashley
Problem: Is that all Paul thinks about is sex?

No....YES! Um, hello?! Where have you been? I think the only other thing he thinks about is yoga or Hindu junk cuz I saw him reading some book, er, what was it called? Oh yeah, the Karma Sutra.

Name: Breansie of Nottingham
Problem: Ok Heather, I TOTALLY have like, this dilema!!! I was riding down the road, when suddenly, this woman came out in front of me, and i ran her over, and i think i ripped her leg off!! I didn't catch her name, but....oh wait, it was you.....

Oh hee hee! Wait a minute! Poo you! Give me my leg back, b*tch!
- Heather

Name: Lennie Harrison
Problem: I'm just curious, do you know who John Lennon is? I do, I'm just testing you!

Totally! John was the dude that sang the song about the thing. Then he did some stuff, and then he died.
Regards, Heather

Name: Vicky of near Newcastle
Problem: It's not really a problem, just a casual
question. I'm sure you know what casual means, don't you Heather? Like, how long is Paul's...you know? As long as the rumours say? If that is physically possible!

Riiiiiiight, this is Geoff speaking for Heather who was bewildered by your question (she's looking up "casual" as we speak). Paul really wishes this information not to get out but he insists I give you this math equation in which you can calculate his...length. Multiply 10 * 10, then do the square root and + 6. Riiiiiight, Paul. I'm not a source, I'm just delivering the message. Cheerio, and good day. Riiiight, Geoff.

Name: Jessica
Problem: On the cover of Paul's new album, is he really peeing?

YES! I mean, this is why I am so embarrassed to be seen with him cause he runs around doing all these things that he thinks are cool at the time but they really aren't. Its icky, I think. Actually, that wasn't his first choice for an album cover. I had to BEG him not to use his first idea. You don't even wanna know!

Name: Meather Hills
Problem: First off Heather, PLEASE let me say that you are, like, totally the coolest person ever! What I wouldn't give to be as incredibly intelligent and pretty as you! I know that you are practically a Beatles expert (you are so smart you could be an expert at anything...) and I was wondering what you thought of the song they sang called "Money"? Just asking!

FINALLY! Someone who acknowledges how amazingly cute and smart I am. If only Paul would say that! When I ask him what he thinks of me, he always answers by saying stuff like, "Your a very unique indiviual" or "Heather, you know I love sleeping with you". B@stard. Anywho, I've given you question some thought and I must agree: I'm totally a Beatle expert person. So I think that song is one of my favorites! I can like interrpret the meaning very well. "The best things is life are free." Sex. "But you can save that for the birds and bees." Sex. "Now give me money, thats what I want." Very meaningful lyrics there! What a coolio song.

Name: Britney
Problem: What do you and PAUL do all day?

We do different things. I like to shop, buy stuff, dye my hair, get manicures, see movies, and then shop some more. Paul likes to eat, smoke weed, drink scotch, eat again, watch dirty movies, eat, and then make babies at the end of the day. All in all, we're both pretty happy the way things are going in our relationship.

Riiiiiight, this is Geoff Baker speaking. Just here to let you all know Paul doesn't smoke anything illegal...that would just be silly. As for eating, well he's a growing boy, let the man eat in peace. Now where's my Diet Coke? Riiight, Geoff Baker.

Name: Linda McCartney
Problem: I will haunt you forever.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Its Linda, that psycho veggie b*tch! I am SO telling Paul.

Name: Mrs. George Harrison
Problem: I'm married to a ghost! How can I remedy this?

Ooooh, your that widow to one of the Rolling Stones. Sorry about your loss! I read that your hubby believed in something called reintardation - where you get reintardated as something else like a butterfly or a moose. I don't think you'll wanna marry a moose (then again, I saw someone do that on Jerry Springer). So my advice is to take advantage of the sad situation. Since your a part of George's loss, you'll get lots of recognition around now so you gotta do some publicity stunts while people are still paying attention to you. I also read in the papers that your gonna sue some guy that stole George's stuff quite a few years ago. Thats a good idea! Make lots of money off the a-hole!

Name: My name is Molly from Evil-Twit-Land.
Problem: Ok, so there's this DORKY Heather girl who thinks she's all that and is putting her face all over the place. Like, what should I do?

Oh, are you talking about Paul's daughter, Heather? I KNOW! She's a total b*tch goddess. I wish she would go away. She is SO not neato. If you ever run into her or see her on the streets, throw an egg at her.

Name: Jane Asher
Problem: This isn't real my problem....its more or less someone else's problem....Lets call her Meather Hills...wait no too obvious!...Ok we can just call her Dirty Maggie May, Her problem is that her amazingly rich and famous boy friend who was in The Beatles (were they like famous or something?) doesn't love her *sigh* He loves me! Do you hear that?! Paul loves me not you!You brainwashed him! You Linda and Francie! You're all the same!...wait...I mean not Paul.....one of the other Beatles...yeah ...thats right that other Beatle the spastic one...whats his name...Mick? Yeah thats it.. Anyway he used to date me and love me (he still does) anyway he dumped me for a bunch of evil girls. But he still loves me, he tells me so. Now then back to your...I mean Maggie's problem: What should this poor sappy girl do? I mean he definetly won't stay with her! I think she should hurl herself from the 32nd floor of a large building! Thats what I think! Well good luck Maggie...I mean Heather! Give my regards to Paul....Tell him that I'll be around later and that he should buy a cake from me!
The wonderful and beautiful

Jane Asher, Jane Asher...Jane Asher. I swear, I've heard that name before! Hey, I remember you! Paul talks about you all the time. He calls you "That ex-girlfriend of mine, Jane-Martha Stewart-Asher"." Yeah, don't you have your own community show - "Living"? How neato. That means your good at baking, sewing, and junk, right? Hey! Teach me how to use a microwave! I want to impress Paul for his 43rd birthday.

Name: Nadia the Groupie Queen
Problem: Heather, I'd like to comment on advice you gave to a Sir Clive Alan Elam-Buffer Frost Of Edgwater,FL... HEATHER, YOU RETARD! I know you don't appreciate your husband's talent cause all YOU care about is his wallet, but you told this Alan dude that all he needs is money...Whatever! He needs talent and charm, that's all! ::Mutters:: I can see why that damn motorcycle threw you off, it didn't like you either...

Correct me if I'm wrong but this kinda sounds like a personal problem. Tee hee! SoMeOnE iS JeAlOuS (nanny nanny boo boo). That Alan dude didn't have bread and as far as I'm concerned, he's broken the third commandment. Thou shall not be broke or thou wilt feel thy wrath of no women. Period. How many homeless duded do you see with wives? Boo-yeah! I'm should SO be in a debate class cuz I could totally win. And for the record, that motorcycle was mean.

Name: Paul Fan 2
Problem: Has Paul ever accidently pulled your fake leg off?

Never accidently. The b@stard does it on purpose! He thinks its funny when he hides it from me. The last place I found it was the oven! What an @ss. Oh, and he has to take it off when we make babies. He says it threatens him.

Name: Gwen
Problem: How can I get my eyebrows black and hair blonde like yours?

Its very simple really. You only need two important items to accomplish this stylish look: a bucket of bleach and a black, permanent marker. Cheers!

Name: Mary, CA
Problem: I think my boyfriend's cheating on me.

Oh, that is totally not neato! If MY boyfriend ever cheated on me, I would SO tell Geoff. Even though Geoff can be mean and wired from his addiction to Diet Coke, he sets Paul in line. I remember that one time he and Paul had a duel. That was scary! They were fighting with ballpoint pens. Yeah, find out if your boyfriend is cheating and if he is, let me know and I'll send Geoff on him.

Name: Paulie of Athens Ga
Problem: Heather, what would you do if I told that Paul was 59?

I would laugh like this: Tee hee! Um HELLO! He's only 42! Obviously someone hasn't been doing their Beatle homework. I know *I* have. Want to hear all I know: Okay, like the Beatles are this band and junk and they like sang songs. There were 4 of them, no wait, maybe 5. Okay, 5 of them. And their names were Paul....um, Paul...Bill, Tom, Jack, and Lenny. My favorite was Lenny.

Name: Paul fan
Problem: What would you do if Paul Mccartey went broke??? Who would you go after???

That is so weird that you should mention Paul going broke cuz he is always accusing me of "being the one who will send me to the poor house". He always picks on my investments. I like spending his money on stock. Like yesterday, I bought 1 million shares of emu stock. The emu represenative totally said that emus are gonna be the next beef and I should buy stock right away. I think its the wiset decision I've ever made...

Name: Feather Hills, Manchester
Problem: Heather, I love you! I read your column everyday! I desperately need your advice. I think my much older boyfriend, Saul, is in love with you. He is always talking about you, quoting you, and saying how you are the most beautiful woman alive. He has asked me more than once to get a makeover so that I can look just like you. I'm willing to try because I don't want to lose him ( he has ALOT of money!). Could you give me some makeup, clothing, and hair tips? It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Yet another admirer of myself. *sigh* I'm so popular. So you wanna look like me, huh? Well first, you'll have to get some plyers and open my book "Be Heather" to chapter 48 where I teach you how to make a nice gap in your front teeth. Next, go get your hair dyed blonde but leave about 3 inches of dark roots. Thats the style! Make-up like me? You can pencil in your lips lop-sided to look like mine. And whenever a camera appears, look right into it and smile like me! Even if your not suppose to be looking at it. Hee hee! I'm such a goddess, I'm jealous of myself. Also, include a list of new words into your vocabulary: neato, stuff, junk, crap, poo, duh, like, anywho, and pet rock.

Name: Livvy from London
Problem: Heather, I am so excited that I am in your column! Okay here is my problem. I really love Stella McCartney's clothes and I here she is a fashion designer. Seeing as how she is Paul's daugter, I am sure you are both REALLY close. Could you tell me where I can find some of the clothes that she designs? I want to buy all of it! Thanks so much!

Ew, yucky poo! You like STELLA's clothes?! Like, that girl is totally macho. She could kick my @ss, the snotty little brat. Wouldn't you rather dress like me? When ever did the rose frock go out of style? My, the times, they are a changing. Hey, thats totally a Beatle song! Tee hee. Yeah but seroiusly, if your looking to buy Stella clothing deedlies ("stuff"), you should check garage sales, The Dollar Store, and flea markets.

Name: Yoko Ono: Paul, George, & Ringo's last nerve
Problem: Heather! Alas we speak! I am Yoko Ono! I was also a Beatles wife/Girlfriend!! Just so you know, there are a few tips on how to marry paul & still date guys you REALLY like. Like my ex- husband, He wasn't worth what John was so what did I do? I pretended I loved him, & behind his back I posed in the raw with & for John! Think about it!

.............Okay, I thought about it and it was yucky! I mean, I've seen your boobies and they are reeeeeally saggy. We're talkin' about saggier than Paul's! And thats just gross.

Name: Mrs. Roger Waters, London.
Problem: How does it feel to be second best to lovely Linda? She was sooo much prettier, and smarter and nicer than you!


You think THAT is prettier than ME?! Give it some thought.

Name: Mrs. Starr of Ringo's Bedroom
Problem: Well, I'm looking for a man who can provide for me, without me having to work. How much money do you think he needs to do that? Because we all know Paul is loaded, I thought you might have an idea.

Oh, your Ringo's wife, right?!? Yeah, I always kinda liked the Beach Boys myself. How did you get stuck with the ugly one though? His career like totally deteriorated (I learned that word from Jeopardy) after the Beach Boys broke up. He was all like a train conductor on that children's show, right? Looser. Yeah, its about time you ditch him for someone richer. How much money should he have? Nothing less than your age multiplied by a billion. Go check out Brad Pitt. I hear he's loaded...

Name: Melissa Crawford from Ohio
Problem: Yeah, uuummm.....Heather, do you always have a solution too everything?

Like DUH! Just because I never studied psychologiasm doesn't mean I don't know how to help people with their stupid problems. I'm like God, only cuter. Tee hee! I know EVERYTHING...except how to make the d@mn VCR stop saying 12:00.

Name: Vanessa Lennon of Liverpool
Problem: Dear Heather, I am so proud of you for getting Paul! One thing, can you get me hooked up? I mean Paul needs to know (& love) someone who knows everything about him like his birthday, his music, and his naughty fantasies about my darling John!

Yeah, he wishes! I think Paul is perfectly happy with someone as smart-like and intellijanent as me, thank you.

Name: Bre Of Winchester
Problem: *Sigh* I have like this HUGE date to go on, and
the guy that I am going with is only worth 4 Billion. Ugh! Well, I decided to sink to that level (I know, I KNOW) Do you think that was TOTALLY un-posh of me?

EW!!! Only four billion? Like, oh my gosh, that is so pitiful. I feel so sorry for you! I think you are in need of some psychiological help; you obviously don't have enough respect for yourself if your settling for so much less. You are better than that! We can overcome! I say, go on the date and after you get him to buy you a car, dump him! Quickly, before anyone sees you with him!

Name: Charles from Wales
Problem: Oh, Heather. You have no IDEA how much I look up to you! I come here every day for your advice (because you give such good answers). And I just can't seem to control myself any longer. I think I am in love with you! What should I do?

Hee hee! Take THAT, Paul! Yes, your not the first man to throw himself at my feet...foot. I'm always fighting the guys off. Usually the dirty, stinky ones with tattered clothes and no teeth. Hmmm, I wonder what all of THAT is about. Well you probably ARE in love with me and what can I say? I have that effect on men, the sexy goddess that I am. Well I'd love to get to know you. Here are some questions I run through with all my dates. Like, here we go: So whats your name...yeah thats nice, so what do you do for a living...whatever, so are you rich and junk?

Name: Confused of Peterlee
Problem: Is it OK to like Yoko Ono? I've found myself saying things like, "Oh, she isn't THAT bad," and, "I would really like to meet Yoko. I reckon she'd be a really nice woman." This is worrying me, because surely we should think she's crazy? Maybe I'm crazy?

Yeah um, one question: What is a Yoko Ono? It sounds like one of those Japanese car-thingy-ma-jiggies. Hee hee! I think the technical professional term for car would be automobilianism. Oh, boo yeah! Heather's on fire tonight! Anywho, I think cars are neato. Unless they are any of the following: Chevy, Ford, Mercedes, Lincoln, Dodge, Viper, Mustang, Buick, BMW, Honda, Hyundai, Acura, Catillac, Chrysler, Infiniti, Jeep, Kia, Lexus, Isuzu, Plymouth, Oldsmobile, Toyota, Volvo, or Saturn. But the rest are coolio!

Name: The Rock
Problem: Can you smell what The Rock is cookin'?

No. But I like pet rocks. I've boughten 1000 shares in pet rock stock. But do me a favor and don't tell Paul. Apparently, I'm "wasting" his money on "valueless" investments. He's constantly bringing up the whole investing-in the glow-in-the-dark-fingernail-polish boo boo. Honestly, I thought we could strike it rich(er) with that investment. But APPARENTLY no one buys glow-in-the-dark-fingernail polish any more. Poo.

Name: Nadia The Groupie Queen
Problem: I'm 15 and crazy about a 37 year-old married guy that plays George in a Beatles band! What should I do?

Screw him. Sex is always the way to a man's heart. Sex and candy. Oooh, thats a song, isn't it?! Yeah, I wrote that song...shut up, I COULD HAVE written that song. I just didn't feel like it. Back to your problem, theres nothing wrong with liking an older man if you like him for the right reasons (cha-ching!). So make the right choice. I'll write out an equation for you. $$$ = Happy Heather.

Name: Paulie of Athens Georgia
Problem: I have a huge problem! I can't seem to meet anyone famous! I haven't even seen anyone famous except at a concert. My teacher watched Ben Affleck (spelling?) for one whole hour and almost got runover by some member of REM! How can I meet someone famous? HELP!

Aw, don't be depressed about the whole famous crowd. They're not all their cracked up to be. The only ones worth meeting are Brad Pitt and Michael Jackson. Why? Because Brad Pitt, as I hear, is very famous and rich, maybe even richer than Paul. I'd like to meet Michael cause he's funny looking. Hee hee! I've always wanted to poke his nose. I wonder if it would squeak. Hmmmm...

Name: Lovely Lady Linda of Liverpool!
Problem: Why did you steal my Paulie away from me? I may be dead, but he's mine! *bares teeth* Die!

Good golly miss Molly! Its Linda talking to me beyond the grave again! Linda's spirit is like so mean to me. I remember this one time Paul and I were playing Twister, my leg fell off and I swear I heard in Linda's voice, "Die b*tch!" Paul doesn't believe me, cuz he thinks I'm all jealous of something. But I know what I heard!

Name: Mrs Richard Starkey of Liddypool
Problem: How do I attract a rich boyfriend? I'm not as attractive or gear as you! What should I do?

Well, duh! Of corse your not as cute as me! No one is. But what is *gear*? I heard thats like equipment or some such crap. Hee hee, technology is weird. I like am totally understanding it but Paul sure doesn't. For his birthday, I dipped into his wallet and bought him something called a DVD player. I think that stands for "Digital Video Junk". Oh wait, that would be a DVJ player. Technology is hard! Anywho, I buy him this DVJ player and he was all like, "What is it?" And I said, "Its a machine-ma-jiggy that plays DVJ's." And he goes, "What a DVJ?" And I'm all like, "Thats like a movie but more expensive." And he goes, "Whats the difference?" So I say, "Its on a CD instead of a big tape thingy." And he says, "Besides that! I mean, how is it any better than a movie?" So I say, "Cuz its expensive!!" DUH! I mean, how stupid is he? More expensive is better. He needs to learn to live like a rich dude, cuz he can be so embarassing sometimes! I am so in touch with the life-style so I'm all used to it. WAIT A MINUTE! Didn't you have some kind of question you wanted me to answer? Oh, I totally like forgot! So you want a rich boyfriend? I can help: take Paul's son, James. He gets his "bread" (hee hee!) from his dad, my hubby. And that boy pisses me off anyways. I need a good reason to get rid of him. He's always checking me out. Then again, EVERYONE is!

Name: Johnni of The Magic Land of Something
Problem: My problem... ever since George died, I've lost my appetite. I really thought that was the reason, then I kinda started to get over it and my appetite didn't come back! What's wrong? I can't even hold a burrito!

Ooooh, I get it! You have that disease thingy Karen Carpenter had...what was it called...oh yeah! Anoexiullima! Thats where you can't eat food cuz your fat. Are you fat? Fat people like food. You should see the way Paul eats! PIG! Hee hee. But I see you have a serious problem so I'm here to help! In order to start eating again, you'll have to eat something. Thats just the way it works. Make your stomach handle it, and don't allow yourself to vomit. If you vomit, then you'll be skinny and only I'M allowed to be skinny. Also, you are dealing with George's death and this may give you a weak stomach but I'm sure it'll go away in time. Paul has the opposite problem. When he gets sad and stuff, he just EATS and EATS and EATS and EATS! Be lucky you don't have THAT disease.

Name: Heather Mills
Problem: This is great! I think the most valuable person in the world to talk to is myself, and now I finally get the chance to ask myself something I have been meaning to ask myself for the past couple of weeks...Heather dearest...do you remember if we told Paul we would or wouldn't have a baby with him? He's upstairs waiting and wants an answer. Help.
Love ME

Oh poo! Like, making babies is fun and all but HAVING babies is a whole nother ball field. Its like, Paul told me his birthday is in June and that he's turning 42. Oh my gosh, he's so old! Like, 42!! Can you believe it? Where does the time go? But yeah, and if he is 42 that means that he will be 42 years older than our baby if we have one. I'm surprised he's still capable of making babies. After all, don't men go through like menopause when they reach 40? I'm not into medical crap so I wouldn't know. Menopause is mean. What were we talking about again?

Name: Vicky of Sunderland again
Problem: Hello again Heather! Thanks so much for your advice last time, although it didn't work out as well as I hoped. I now have NO friends, and I was hoping that you could tell me how to get some new ones? Or even if YOU would be my friend? Oh, I'm so alone.....

Paul, don't you DARE say "I told you do!" Like, she totally must have followed my advice wrong or something because HEATHER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! But back to your problem: no friends, huh? Well, I heard this song by Herman's Hermits where they sing that money can buy you love. So I suggest you get some money. I think money is neato!

Name: Vanessa Lennon Liverpool
Problem: Heather, What would you do if Paulio was cheatin on u with a 14 year old? I mean like if he was goin' all the way with some one even younger than you?

Who is Paulio? Well, like MY boyfriend would never cheat on me cuz I watch him like a fox. This one time he was checking out this model chick girl...or maybe she was an actress. I think her name was like...Pamela something. And he was on her show VIP, whatever that is. But yeah, like he was checking out her legs. So naturally, I have to make my surprise appearance on the show to keep him in line. He got real mad and junk! You should have heard him. "Heather, you're not allowed to be barging in on my shows. Blah, blah, blah." Seriously, I've learned to totally tune him out. In the TV version, I was like totally editted out of the show. Pooey! But I get to slip in on a lot of the TV junk Paul does. Like his interview with Larry King! Hee hee! I thought it was boring so I came on in the end, and juiced up the show by talking about the evils of landminds.

Name: Lennon's Gurl
Problem: R U a gold digger? I mean what would make you even want to marry Paul?

Oh my gosh, I like looooove gold. So I guess you could say I "dig" gold. Hee hee! Thats like all '60s sounding and stuff. "Dig" gold. Oh wait, isn't that a pun?!? Wow, I'm so clever! But anyways, the reason I am marrying Paul is cuz he's nice and junk like that. He has a good personality thingy, and he gives me stability ($$$).

Name: Lizzy from Liverpool
Problem: Okay, Heather, I've always been wondering something. Did you really lose your leg "by accident" or did you do it in order to get noticed by Paul?

It was a total accident! Honestly, I like didn't jump off the motorcycle, it threw ME off. Besides, there are more productive ways of getting a billionaires attention. Like the flashing boobies method.

Name: Clio McKenzie of Liverpool
Problem: How good is Paul, y'know... how *good*?

Clio? Aren't you that black psychic lady Miss Cleo who charges me $1.99 a minute each night I call you? Hee hee! Then you'll be hearing from me soon. Yeah, like I wish I was pyschotic and I could tell the future. I bet I can...I should become a fortune teller person. That would be fun! Oh wait...what were we talking about? Oh, Paul! Well if your one of them fortune telling people don't you already KNOW how he measures up in the sack? I bet you do! If I were ranking him on a scale from 1 to 10 I'd give him...11! Ya see we have this bookshelf loaded with these *night* time books Paul buys and when its beddy-by time, he likes to...wait a minute! If I tell you this, Paul'll kill me! Apparently he thinks our sex life is "not up for public discussion" (whatever THAT means).

Name: Jessi Moon of Wembley!
Problem: Oooooh my Krishna, Heather! Like, I read your Be Heather page. And it like totally changed my like life! Thank you like SoOoOoOo much like Heather!

Yeah, I know. I change everyones' life with my irresistable charm and beauty. Need any advice?

Name: Vicky from Sunderland
Problem: Hi Heather, you geordie lass. Nice to see a fellow northerner has bagged a man old enough to be her great-grandad...not that I suspect your reasons for getting engaged...anywho, my problem. My friends are threatening to desert me if I don't stop incessantly chattering about the Beatles, about whom they don't care. I love my friends and I don't want to lose them but I really love the Beatles! What can I do?!

Oh, you like the Beatle TOO? It seems like everyone who writes to me does! They must be famous or something. Well your friends are obviously the problem. What kind of music do they listen to? Ghetto music? Thats what Geoff Baker listens to. My advice is to get them interested into the Beatles, even against their will. Make them listen to all their record thingies ("Abby Street" and "Magical Bus Tour") and then, tie them down to a chair and force them to look at their pictures. Thats what Paul did to me, and I still don't like them but at least I know what they look like.

Name: Bret from Worcester
Problem: This question has always been bugging me. Do you hide a bottle of Schnappes in your leg?

YES!!! I have to! Whenever Paul starts crying again, I don't feel like comforting him so I pull out my bottle of Schnappes and let him drink his sorrows away. Geoff says that will lead to a serious drinking problem but you know what?! Geoff is a two-faced rat whose always telling me what to do so frankly, he can kiss my @SS.

Name: Lindy Mac of Liverpool
Problem: Well, Heather, there's this girl named Sa- I mean Jessica Wilkey who owns this website that keeps b*tching on about how, well... b*tchy you are! I think you are soooooo fab! What should I do?

This Jessica Wilkey is one of the many young girls out there who like totally ENVY me. I realize the only reason they critisize (wow, what a big word!) me is because they wish they were as strikingly sexy as I am. Its a matter of b*tch-envy. Oh, your too much...I already KNOW I'm fab. Whatever THAT means. But they called Paul's old '60s band the Fab Four so it must be good. I heard they were famous or something.

Name: Rachael B. Starkey of Liverpool
Problem: Heather, what do you do if yer 2nd fave Beatles (George Harrison) has just died from cancer?
A. Scream
B. Cry
C. Play his albums over and over... and over... and over!!!
D. Dress in black and refuse to eat, sleep and talk
I don't know what to do Heather!!!!

WHAT?!? George Harrison is dead!?!? Oh my gosh! So THAT'S why Paul has been crying endlessly, and telling me to f-off. Gee, you have to admit though, that George Harrison was getting like anciently old. I mean, he was the Beatles' producer, right? Yeah, thats where I've heard of him. Um, the way I usually deal with death is to store all my feelings inside and not express myself in any form or fashion. Oh wait, I heard that makes people commit suicide. Er, better not do that one. Okay, then how about you like cry and junk? That makes people feel a whole lot better! Don't worry, dear, Heather is here to comfort you. Let it allllllllll out...okay, thats enough, shut up now.

Name: Josie of the PussyCats
Problem: Heather. I really like this one guy who is SO out of my league! What to do?

Oh! Like I get it, he's gay, right? Yeah, thats in whole other league alright! But how can you make him love you? Start some chit-chat with him and then casually mention after you exchange your how-do-you-do's "Hey, did you know that the percentage rates of AIDS is increasing everyday?" Hee hee! You can scare him straight!

Name: Jubilant Julie from Texas
Problem: How can I meet Paul? Just kidding. Do you have any advice on how to get backstage passes or something like to a band/artist? I have been a fan of *N SYNC for 3 years, and I haven't even gotten close enough to make out facial features at concerts! I've entered tons of contests, and I haven't won anything! Not even a personal hello! Please help!

NSYNC?! Aren't they like a hard rock band or something? Or maybe I'm thinking of the CrapStreet Boys. Honestly the names of the bands today are like, so ghetto! hee hee! So you want to get close to a band. I can help! First, you gotta get yourself some tickets to their next concert. Try to get them mildly close to the stage so at least they can see you. Now, when the show starts to end, flash them your boobies! Trust me, this works EVERY TIME. Wait till one of them sees you, and the rest works itself out. They'll probably summon to meet you and junk, and then you can start dating them and cash in on their million dollar credit line. Hee hee! Take me, from experience. I'm doing great! Now, if your too shy to give them a shot of your boobies, there are other ways of getting close. One of the mostest goodest ways it stalking them. Find where they live and like, pitch up a tent by their home (or as close to it as you can get). My theory is: THEY HAVE TO COME OUT SOMETIME! They can't stay in there forever. When they do, jump on their car and pretend THEY hit YOU. They'll be afraid of legal stuff so they'll come talk to you and then you cam make your move! Stalking is fun stuff.

Name: Sir Clive Alan Elam-Buffer Frost Of Edgwater,FL.
Problem: Well, ya see. I'm like a musician...and,unlike other musicians(even broke ones like me), I have always had a great difficulty getting chicks. How can I remedy that situation?

You have a very easy problem to fix, and evident at that (like I sound so smart today!). Okay, you are obviously a struggling musician dude so thats why you have trouble with girls. Cuz ya see, diamonds and junk are a girls best friend. No dough means no ho. Get rich and stuff. Then girls will be ALL over you. My boyfriend is like mega-loaded! And our relationship is working out like totally good. You see, money is the key to a woman's heart. Paul has one BIG key. HEE HEE! So my advice is to stop not making money. Like, how hard could it possibly be to make an album and get millions of dollars?

Name: Haley of Texas
Problem: Dear Heather,
Why did you steal our Paulie from us?
And why haven't you admitted it yet that you're faking the whole one-leg thing. I saw you secretly took yoga for a year so you could bend your leg back far enough to tuck into your dress! Heeheehee!!!

There, there, shut up now. I can see quite perfectly what the real problem is. Your jealous. Awwww! Its because I'm so cute, isn't it!? If your looking to have a shag with my hubby-to-be, he's alllll yours. Ever since he bought that 100 tips book, we've been going at it like bunnies! I need a rest from it! Horny b@stard. Oh, and my leg is a REAL fake leg. It it were still there, then people wouldn't pay attention to me and I'd have to do some more publicity stunts to get noticed.

Name: Katie of Michigan
Problem: Ok Heather....I have a huge problem! There is this really cute older English man that I really like,
but he is engaged to this horrible lady who is way too young for him! She has bad fashion sense and dark
brown roots in her hair ( she dyes her hair blonde! how gross!). She is so terrible that I can't even remember her
name! She is so wrong for Paul...I mean this guy! So my question for you is how do I get this extremely
handsome wonderful amazing ex-Beatle....I mean ordinary guy who you don't know to cut off his engagement to you...I mean his girlfriend who is not you? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! He can't marry her!! I WOULD JUST DIE! Thanks Heather!

Ew! This girl sounds like a total b*tch! But what to do...I'm an expert at ruining relationships. hee hee! I know what you can do! Okay, I heard that there was this war going on in Afcrapistan (nothern China, I think). Sign her in for the army! Then, they'll ship her away and in the meantime, you can seduce this handsome, RICH British guy. He'll fall in love with you, his finace` will step on a land mind, and everything will work out JUST fine. Hey...WAIT A MINUTE! Now I know who your talking about!! Are you trying to break up Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant?!

Name: Rori of Ridgefield
Problem: Do you ever mistakenly, or drunkenly, call Sir Paul "Grandfather"? Like when you wake up in the morning and there's this old man lying next to you. Do you ever go "Yikes! What have I gotten myself into?" Or maybe you don't care cause he has a $Billion$ dollar credit line on his plastic.

Hmm, like I agree with the second one! Credit card thingies are cool, especially Paul's. He has a stack of them! But he always seems to find out everytime I charge something...and its like, "HOW DOES HE KNOW?!" He even knows what I bought, and where it came from! Of corse, he finds out at like the same time at the end of every month. I'm beginning to think he's schizophrenic...he can READ minds. Scary! Which is kinda weird cuz I always thought that old people weren't good at ANYTHING. Except shufflebords and bingo. Paul can kick my @ss at Bingo! What were we talking about again? Hee hee! Oh yeah! So to answer your first question, I haven't called my rich boyfriend grandpa yet. I have other nicknames for him like "Paul" and "Paulie". He calls me Peg! I think he thinks its an inside joke but I still don't get it!

Name: Brianna Morgan of Nuremburg, Germany
Problem: So Heather daa-aaling, how do I get some Paul for MYSELF? I mean, I kinda think he deserves to be with a gorgeous artist like me, you know, i only have his best interests in mind :)

Oh yeah, bring it on, ho! Hee hee! I'll go ghetto on yo @ss! ~I~ am gorgeous! I mean, I have the most beautiful features. My sexy gap between by two front teeth, my luscious widow's peak, my divine drooping boobies! Yeah, thats right! Sex-pot walking, right here. So *beauty* isn't the competition. But if your looking to rope yourself a totally rich guy (and your not picky on age, gender, or looks), your welcome to one of my MANY ex-husbands and fiance`s. I have a whole CHAPTER in my book about lassoing yourself a good, rich guy. Oh oh oh! You could go for one of the other Beatles! What was his name...oh yeah! Mick Jagger!

Name: Paul McCartney from Liverpool
Problem: Heather, dear, I told you not to be going online and doing all of this without asking me first. Your advice really doesn't help, you know. I never should have worn that awful outfit at the Concert For New York like you told me to. It made me look fat! Honestly, I was planning on wearing a suit but you whined too much and I didn't want to hear it. And quit taking checks out of my wallet!

Paul, darling! How did you find out?! I told you, he was schizophrenic. He knows EVERYTHING. Well, first off, my advice is GOD. Like, I am totally getting in touch with people's feelings and junk. Look at all the people who have reached out to me already! I am touching peoples' lives. Now what is wrong with what you wore to the NY Concert?! I wasn't gonna let you make an @ss of yourself and wear that suit. I wouldn't be seen in public with you in THAT! And you didn't look fat...you ARE fat, you lazy b@stard! Ya can't blame me for all your problems (let me tell you everyone, HE DOES! "Heather, why did you fire Geoff Baker? Heather, where are my plaid old man socks? Heather, stop spending my retirement fund on pet rocks! Heather, this, Heather, that! Its always b*tch, b*tch, b*tch.). Do some sit-ups for pooey sake! I told you already...no more playing doctors and nurses until you reach a B cup! And *I* didn't take those checks! Geoff did! HE did it.

Name: Paul McCartney of Liverpool
Problem: Ok Heather, you win, but haven't you noticed that most of the problems from these people are you? I just want you to know that I don't appreciate you calling me names, dear. Do I go around calling you names? Noooo. And by the way, what exactly did you do with my plaid socks? Linda would have never done anything like that.

Oh, like what a surprise! Everyone, Paul is always doing that to me. He always compares me to LINDA. "Heather, LINDA would never throw away my plaid socks. Heather, LINDA would never have burned the p*rno I keep stashed under the bed. Heather, LINDA never make me dedicate a song to her." Its about time he noticed how much CUTER I am than Linda. Like, all Linda ever did was try to stop breast cancer and stuff. Breast cancer isn't nice. But I'm supporting a more better cause than she was! I'm like trying to stop land minds from taking over the world. First its Afcrapistan, then its the WORLD! So I'm better than her on so many levels. By the way, Paul, I didn't call you any names! I didn't say b@stard...I actually said you were a...pastor! Yeah, a pastor! Cuz your all holy and stuff, like a God. hee hee! And no one's problem is ME! I am the one who people seek guidance from, like Opera. Doesn't she have her own magazine now? I think I should make a magazine! I could call it "Heather".


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I know the privledge of getting to email *Heather* may seem grand, giving you a chance to express your REAL feelings about her. But keep in mind that *Heather* really isn't *Heather* and I'm the one reading what should be HEATHER's hate mail. From either 1) Heather lovers who are offended by the page (heh heh). Or 2) Heather haters who want to tell Heather how much they despise her. If your going to fill out the form, I ask that you submit a QUESTION and not just bad-mouth poor *Heather* because thats not the point of the advice board. All *hate* mail will simply not make it to the page and be deleted never to be seen again. So please don't waste your's and my time and just send a question!