THE ADVICE BOARD:
Problem: Okay you bitch! I know you took
some of my money the last time that my dad dragged your psycho
ass down here! Give it back this minute or I'll kill
Oh, that is SO not nice! I totally did not
steal that stack of hundreds you had sitting so blatantly
under your bed in that old shoe box (you know, the one behind
the blanket and underneath the pile of newspapers?). I
mean, I didn't even know it was there! But thats a totally
obvious hiding spot anyways, so I bet someone else stole it.
Some else like...Geoff. Yeah, he is such a thief! This one
time, I SO caught him stealing cans of whipped cream at the
supermarket. Hmmm, I wonder what he planned on doing with 36
bottles of unopened whipped cream? Beats me, that Geoff
is weird, anyway. So if he is capable of stealing whipped
cream cans and morphine, I think he's more than liable to have
taken your money.
PS. Stay the hell out
of my purse!
Problem: Okay, this is so not a problem, but I just
wondered, what are your fears, Heather?
You mean like phoebia
thingies? Now thats just plain old silly! If I was afraid of
junk, then the tabloids wouldn't persistantly call me "Brave
Heather". After all, if you loose a limb, it
automatically makes you brave. Thats the way it works.
People ask me if I'm afraid of land mines and I just said HA!
I do not fear land mines. I think they are simply gay. Totally
un-neato. Thats why we must destroy them, before they destroy
us. So be a good little girl and join the fight against land
mines. Tee hee, land mine are totally like
Visa. They're everywheeerrreee you wanna
Very in Touch with Credit
Name: Sierra of London
Did-lio?: Okay, I need your advice Heather. Yesterday I was a
bitch and made my two really good friends hate me. I don't
know what to do. I want to offer an apology and tell them what
was really going on in my head, but they won't let me! Please
help me! I don't know if it's still me being the bitch now or
if it's them.
Yeah, I can relate to that. You didn't
really elaborate what you said or did to be a b*tch thus
(isn't that a neato word?), its hard for me to give you any
specific advice. Whenever Paul is being fat...or mean, I
get pissed at him and like, get up all in his face and junk.
I, all like, "Yo! You don't tell me how to live my life! I
ain't goin' take dat poo!" Tee hee, I'm like, so
intimidating! Anyways, it must work cuz then he
apologizes to ME which is the way it should always be (Ooo,
that totally rhymed!). Guilt your snotty-ass friends. That'll
show 'em! Or maybe you should just take their money.
Name: Bob of the secret
What Up?: Hi Heather, this is
Bob, your secret boyfriend. Now, I thought it would probably
be safe to write to you here since no one reads your advice
section anyway. Well here is what I wanted to say: meet me at
our secret place tonight anytime after 10:00 and when Paul has
fallen asleep. See ya then babe.
Bob! What are you doing, writing to me
via advice column?! FYI (Tee hee, that totally stands for "For
Your Information"), plenty of people read my column!
If they didn't, I wouldn't recieve so many letters. Duh! Now,
in answer to your question, er, request...YES, I'll be over
tonight. I'll just have Maria, the live-in Mexican maid seduce
Paul again. That'll keep him preoccupied.
Problem: Have you ever thought of putting on a
brace? I think it would make you look a lot
Oh my gosh, you are freaking stupid! I am ridiculously
gorgeous, foo'! Lord have mercy, I don't think I could BE any
sexier! Didn't you see me at the Oscars? Tee hee, if you think
thats hot, wait till you see my design for the
wedding gown. (evil) TEE HEE! My tooths are like neato
cuz I have what they call the "sexy gap" (a space in
your two front teeth). Besides, I can hide quarters in
Off to the
Problem: Has Paul ever
called you Linda or any other name during
No, he's never called me Linder before
but he HAS called me Pamela (like, whose THAT?), Lee
(usually he calls out that one, following Pamela), Maria
(wait, isn't that our maid?!), Bambi, or Tina. I don't know
who any of those people are but I guess I'd rather he be
calling out their names than moaning, "Rodger!" or "Geoff!".
Totally not gay,
Problem: Is it normal to like a
59 or in your case a 42 year old man when you are
Sure! I don't see anything
wrong with liking a guy four times older than you. Ooo, and
speaking of old guys, I read in the paper that Anna Nicole
Smith had married some dead geezer dude and now she gets payed
money cause he died, or something. Whoa, thats just wrong.
Things like this make piss Peg off }:( After all, she didn't
have to KILL
Yay! I'm going to Paul's concert in Washington DC! I'm so
excited! I'm going to be exactly 20 rows away from him! Are
you going to be there with him, Heather? Or are you totally
sick of his shows?
Eeww, those concert
thingies are so gay. I don't see the thrill in watching a
long, smelly show to watch my old, fat boyfriend sing songs
like "From a Lover to a Freedom" and "Driving Whatever". As if
I didn't hear those tunes like ALL the time at home, now, he's
making me totally inconveniently move around a bunch of
countries and watch him sing the same, poo-poo songs. OF
CORSE, I have to come along or else I fear he might start
banging some chicks he meets on the road. That would be yucky
poo cuz he might start PAYING them which is not neato. I'll
quote a philosopher thingie when I say, "For the loss of money
is the great tragedy of
Question: Are you pro life or pro
Sure, I think life is neato. I guess that totally makes
me pro-life. Tee hee! Cuz if you weren't alive, then you would
be dead and if you were dead, then you wouldn't get to go
shopping and buy stuff. That wouldn't be fun. So I support
life and junk.
Yay For Life,
Geoff: Riiight, what little Heather was
trying to say is that she feels it is every woman's choice as
to whether or not they want to bear an infant or not. Yay
choice, boo abortion. Right. Off to kill
Name: Katie from
Problem-o: Well, my problem is this: I can't decide
on a prom dress. I really look up to your sense of style, like
the hoochy thing you wore to the Oscars!Totally skank, dear!
But I don't have good abs and am missing a limb.... is it
still ok for me to try to go for the more revealing
Tee hee, like I always
say, "If you got it, strut it!" Like, I think a bunch of
peoples have gross bodies. I mean, they are so fat. Ew! Like
Paul. Oh my G, y'all, Paul totally has this gravity disease!
He told me about it the other day when I asked him why a man
of his age (42) is all saggy and junk. He says that his
disease is rare and only few celebrities have it, like
Charleston Heston and Goldie Hawn. Only, Goldie has surgery to
make her disease show less. The diagnosis-thingie goes like
so: you reach a certain age in your life when suddenly,
gravity beats yo ass, and you get all saggy and stuff. Poor
Paul. I need to have him go do what Goldie did. Oh
wait...didn't you have some kind of question you wanted me to
answer? Tee hee, I like forget stuff sometimes. Anywho, you
certainly asked the right person when it comes to advice on
selecting a formal gown. I would say, hook yoself up with
something that bares your chest, tummy, back, and thighs.
Yeah, that'll be really exquisite. You'll be the Cinderella
White of the gown!
Name: Linda- from
beyond the grave.
Question: Um... so, you're marrying Paul?
He's really nice. He's good too. But anyroad, I don't think
you care. Do you enjoy his money? I hope so because he loves
it when women love his money more then him. Well, I have to
Upon Peg's request of
a psycho-fortune teller, Miss Cleo Answers: Ah, so ya come to
haunt da poor legless girl but again, eh? Well Miss Cleo can
see you and she know you be doin' the sex with Jim Morrison in
da heaven. Don't dink Miss Cleo don't know! You continue to
bother Peg and Miss Cleo will tell the Sir wut you be up to!
By da way, anyone got a love-question, ask me! CALL ME KNOW,
for your free-reading. And please God, someone...kill
Question: How often a week do you and Paul have sex? I
know he doesn't want you talking about your sex life or
anything, but like you say, who cares what he
Paul: Now Mary, didn't
daddy tell you already to stop asking asking Peggy about our
sex life? I know you're trying to make her dish out some black
mail, but our intimate affairs is OUR buisness. Now go sleep
out in the guesthouse so Mommy and I can...er, go
All the Best!
Name: Peg Hills
Problem: Hi Heather! First of all, I think you are the
best and now for my problem! I have 2 men in my life and 1 of
them is poor but he loves me. The other one is really rich but
just wants a wife and he doesn't love me! What should I do???
Hold on a minute, the rich one wants a WIFE and he
doesn't even love YOU? You said you had *2* men, and that
doesn't sound like he's much of your man if he doesn't even
love you. So technically, you only have ONE man and he's poor
but he loves you. Dump him. My goodness, girl, what were you
thinking? Unless he has a rich Uncle Waldo that invented
paper-clips, you're out of luck. Like, I need some paper clips
so I can totally make a chain thingy and play with it. Tee
Name: Vicky of closer than you think...
I'm just wondering, Heather, seeing as how you seem motivated
by money...if a lesbian woman came along and she was rich
beyond belief - yes, even richer than Paul - would you leave
Paul and start a relationship with her?
Well, I would have to proceed systematically in
order to acheive a good settlement. First, I would marry Paul
and totally divorce his ass so I could win lots of money
(weee!). Then, I would go for the butch dike! Wait a tic,
lesbians are gay and being gay is not coolio. Like, she would
have to be Per-ritty RICH! Well then again...maybe I wouldn't
cuz than I would get all this bad publicity and people would
stop telling me how cute I am. Like, what an unfairs question!
You're asking me to choose money over popularity!
Name: Carmen of Hoooorrrra
Problem: Ummm... tee
hee! Like Heather, how's the Viagra
working out for
Paulie? Tee Hee! Is he pretty good at hittin' the 'ol hay? Tee
Viagra? My Paul needs none of that! Ya see, cause
he's all old and junk, he's not too "with the times" when it
comes to technologies such as that wonder pill. But better he
be naive to such a thing! If he only knew such a thing
existed, we'd be doing it like bunnies in springtime! Ew. As
if I don't get enough of that already.
Problem: Dear Heather, If I
pay you 100,000,000 dollars can I sleep with Paul for 40 days
and 40 nights? PLEASE PLEASE!!!! I'll bring him back before he
has to go on tour!!! OMG, PLEASE I'll bring him
Paul Answers for Heather: Now luv, you have to
understand that I am not a sex-object to be borrowed out. You
must learn to treat me like a human being with love and
respect. Keep it real, sexy mama with the hot ass.
Problem: Hi Darling! I love the
flower frock. What designers do you like to wear? Does Paulie
give you the money to buy them?
HA! Paul GIVING me money? That would be so tight!
Unfortunately for yours trully, I have to go about stealing it
myself if I want to make a buck or two. But yeah, I like all
sorts of designer brands. Like, I wear stuff from Target and
TJ-Max. Oh! And I'm the new model for Macey's so buy their
crap too. Its probably neato, how would I know?
Name: Liz of Alaska
Problem-O: I don't know why
i can't get a boyfriend! I mean I'm pretty and all, but I'm
missing a limb! Should this matter?
Awww, don't worry honey! There are like some totally
good ways you can call attention to your sexy-little-self like
I did. First, you must grab the public's attention. My best
suggestion: Go nudey in a magazine. Tee hee! Then, appear on
as many of them talk-show thingies as humanly possible. You
know of those commercials for like Jenny Jones and Sally that
they post up where they ask if you would like be on their show
cause of "blah blah blah blah blah"? These are the ones to
look out for: "Like, hello! If you broke off a leg or an arm
or something gay like that, you can totally be on our show!
Just call the toll-free number and tell us your story. Okay,
bye!" Yeah, you should watch for those kind of commercials and
when you see one, TOTALLY call! Except, I strongly advice you
not to appear on that Ricki Lake show cuz when you get to know
her, she's a total b*tch. Besides, she's fat and being fat is
stupid. I am SO much prettier than her.
Problem: What are somethings Paul
tells you everyday?
Oh, like Paul totally tells me a lot of junk. He
tells me to "Shut up" on a daily basis...the bastard. He also
often tells me, "Peg, when are you going to get a job?" Like,
who does he think he is? He's my freaking fiance` which means
he has to support me financially FOREVER. He feels that it
would teach me "a thing or two about the real world".
Whatever. The real world is gay. My life is
Name: Kadi Sue
Problem: Have you ever walked in
on Paulie in the bathroom? If so what did he do?
Why sure, I HAVE to walk in on him while he's in the
loo. Honestly, I'm constantly having to keep my eye on that
boy so he doesn't get into any more mischeif. What does he do
when he hits the can, you ask? Is he taking a piss? Poo-no!
He's always smoking something that smells funny or looking at
some chick-flick magazines (I've seen the titles and they just
confuse me. Why would Paul want to look at a magazine called
"GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!" anyway? I mean, OBVIOUSLY thats a chick
magazine! Not a BOY magazine. DuH!). His response to me
catching him is usually a groan or an excuse ("But Heather
dearest, its only a CIGARETTE! What ELSE would I be
smoking?"). Paul must have had crappy parents because I'M the
one who has to straighten him up all the time. Being Paul's
girlfriend is a b*tch sometimes.
Problem: What's the most horrible
gift Paul has ever got you?
Like, what a totally mean question! Paul gets me
sucky gifts all the time and I loose track of them all. My
goodness, which one has sucked the MOST? Probably his idea of
a practical-joke gift. He once thought it would be funny to
give me a wooden bird and a carving tool. "Get it?! So you can
carve a birdhouse in your prosthetic leg and keep a bird in
it?! Oh lighten up, Peg!" I thought that was NOT nice. Another
crappy gift he got me was a truck-load of books he wanted me
to read. Crap like "How To Cook Your Husband A Decent Meal"
and "Where Babies Really Come From". Its so gay how he feels
he has to "educate" me of the real world. Like, I'm stupid or
something! Whats up with THAT?
Problem: I don't know what to think
of you Heather. Are you a good person or a bad person?
Geez, like how the hell are you expecting me to
answer that question? Do you think I would actually answer by
saying I'm a bad person? Girl, I am neato! I am coolio, I'm
waaaay happening (tee hee, and I'm all '60s-like too!). So
you've nothing to contemplate. Just love me.
Name: Tiffanie of California
Heather! Okay, I don't know hardly anything about the Beatles
or anybody involed with them. I figured that since you would
know the most about yourself, you should be the one to answer
this: are you British or American?
Oooh, I am soooo British! Like, I can talk all with
a British accent. Here, listen: TEE HEE! My name is Heather! I
think land mines are mean! TEE HEE!
Name: Angela of England
Problem-o: See, I'm a
hooker and everyone is always making me feel dirty and sleazy
and I always feel bad about myself. I don't have any real
friends and I feel like a waste of a person. What should I do?
Should I get another job? It's just that the one I have now is
so easy..but I'm tired of feeling dirty. I just don't know
what to do.
Honey, there ain't nothing wrong with what ya doing
to make a buck. Take it from me, we all have to go to extremes
to make $money$ even if that includes marrying 42 year old
Bengay, capped-tooth, washed-out, fat old farts. Not that I
would know what THATs like. But you see my point? So if you
feel dirty, I suggest charging dudes that are more
sophisticated and who will treat you right - not the bums from
the slums. I've been down that road before and its like doing
a U-turn in the HOV lane. I keep trying but it keeps on not
Name: Vanessa of the chair
Heather, I am like doing my homework right now and I don't
understand this math problem! Like gawd, my homework is sooo
hard to do! Okay, I'm going to give you the problem since
you're sooo smart and intelligent. What is 10x10?? I know!
It's like so big! My math teacher is so unfair!
You came to the right person! I am TOTALLY good a
math thingy-ma-jiggies. Okay, I whipped out my portable
calculator and typed in the keys. The correct answer is...20.
Happy to help! Cheers, Peg
Name: Little Nicola from Paul's bed (hee hee)
Problem: I just wanted to know if it's true that you slept
with Ringo? And how does Paul compare?
Like, I may be sleazy but I'm not easy! Tee hee. No,
I haven't made babies with Ringo. I think Paul is aged but
Ringo is just flat-out OLD! I mean, look at the crazy bastard.
He's bald, wears sunglasses to cover the sags under his eyes,
huge honker, and has an earing. Ugh! He reminds me of Howard
Stern 30 years from now. Besides, didn't he make the least
Problem: What do you like about
Paul besides looks and money?
He has his own car.
Cheers! - Peg
Problemo: What kind of GAMES does
Paul like to play?
Doctors and Nurses, Ring Around the Paulie,
Tic-Tac-Toe (he totally kicks my ass at that one!), Checkers
(what a geezer), The Quiet Game, and Who Wants To Be Paul's
Skank. All the best, Heather
Name: Sllim RehtaeH of Luap's Wallet
Heather! You are so my fave celebrity! I think we have so much
in common! You're the BEST! Can you tell me where a smart guy
would hide his wallet? Luap has hidden his from me, and with
your experience, I know you can help me!
Locating Paul's wallet can be VERY stressful from
time to time. I've learned his "secret spot" where he hides
ALL his personal things from me (wallet, dirty magazines,
reefer) but now, he can get clever and hide it in other
various spots. I suggest you check all his pant-pockets, the
oven, behind the toilet, under his pillow, or any place he
wouldn't expect you to look (for me, that includes the
encyclopedia shelf, the vegatable cabinet, and the laundry
room). It may take you a little while but theres always hope!
Name: Shea of London
Problem: Alright, um
Heather, I'm a lesbian and I think I'm in love with you. You
are so beautiful and seem like such a
You are always trying to stop landminds from taking over the
world and everything. Do you think I'm weird for being in love
with you? And what should I do?
Paul (substituting for Heather who is currently
looking up "lesbian"): No dear, there is nothing wrong with
you taking a fancy to my fiance`. But what should you do about
it? Well I suggest you drop on by and I'm sure we could have
some jolly good times. Hope to see you soon, luv.
Name: Sandi from Sandville
Problem: First of all
Heather, I just want to put you on a
pedestal, I think you
are the greatest woman alive! Anywayz, I am getting married to
a man who has four children from a previous marriage, and I am
worried that his kids won't like me. I know that you are in a
similar situation and I was wondering if you got along with
Those annoying weenies?! Heavens no! Paul's kids are
as old (AND older, might I add) than me which is NOT nice. His
eldist daughter...er, what was her name...oh yeah! Linda! His
eldist daughter Linda is always saying, "Heather, respect your
elders." And I say, "Yo bi-otch, don't dish out that
bull-sheet on me, mutha'!" Tee hee, I'm SO ghetto. I didn't
used to be until Paul introduced me to rap music (apparently,
he's a BIG Eminem fan). There is only one thing you can do in
a situation like this and you know what is. My only advice is
this: to kill his children. No kids, no prob. Take it from me,
you'll be better off! Cheers!
Riiiiiight, this is Geoff Baker on behalf of Heather
Mills. I'm here to clarify what she meant by saying "kill his
children". I think what Heather was TRYING to say is to make
friends with these new soon-to-be stepchildren and violence is
mean. If anyone needs me, I'll be getting a morphine 'fix'.
Name: *Alice* of Cincinnati, Ohio
Heather! Love you're advice, I totally live by it like almost
8 days a week! I just have a question. I saw that you're
modeling for Macy's now and they gave you your own full page
add and magazine and junk, (wow, your SO special!)and I was
just wondering, isn't it hard to model with your fake leg?
Like how DO you do it!
Well ya see, its very scientific-like! My fake leg
thingie-ma-bobber...what's that you say, Paul? Prosthetic?
Hey, thats not what its called! A prosthetic is one of those
chicks who go make babies for money. Anywho, my fake leg was
made to look REALLY real-like and people can't even tell that
its artificial. The only hints of it being a fake are the
screws in the knee-cap and the bite marks where Paul and I
were playing...oh wait! I'm not allowed to talk about THAT.
Name: Teather- like, where I am
totally hello! My name is Teather and I think you are so
completely neato Heather! It is like soo coolio how you
support one legged people and everthing, cause that must SO
suck when one of your legs breaks off. If that happened to me
I'd be like 'Oh poo!' Also, I have like this identical twin
sister somewhere who has this billionare famous boyfriend
(who's name I totally didn't catch) who lost her leg in this
motorcyle accident the exact same day that it happened to
you!! Now is that like totally scary or what?? I wonder like
how that happened?? Btw Heather, like you are so cute! And
like one day I looked in the mirror and I realised that I look
so completely like you it's scary! Well, not really scary,
because you are so cute and if I look like you then that means
I'm cute too and that must be a good thing.
Tee hee! You sound like *SO* remarkable familiar. I
wish I could put my finger on it...hmmm...wait a minute! I
know who you must be. Oprah! HI OPRAH! Hee hee, it was sooo
coolio being on your show. I got to talk all about ME and
thats always fun. You are so right, we look practically
identicle. You, with your fat blackness and me, with my white
honkiness. Tee hee, we're like soul sisters.
Name: Apple Scruff
Problem: Hi Heather. I don't
have serious problems beside the fact that YOU are Paul's
fianc. Anyway I just wanted your faithful readers to know that
you're a LIAR! Yes, cuz the gap between your teeth isn't
yours. When you were younger you loved Madonna so much that
you ran to the dentist and asked him to open the gap!! You'd
better own up!! Now that we know this the question is: where
do the dark roots come from?
No no no. You got it alllllll wrong. MADONNA had a
gap made in HER teeth so she could look like ME. And she's not
the first person to try being like me. Ever since I wrote my
book "Be Heather" it seems like all these people have been
trying to copy everything I do. Whats THAT all about? I mean,
they weren't ACTUALLY suppose to copy me! They were suppose to
buy it so I could make money, Like, duh! That was the point of
writing it. Screw what Geoff says, I'm writing a book about
Problemo: Do you want Paul to die soon
so you'll inherit all his money?
That is SO not nice! I would never want Paul to die,
even if I inherrited all of his many moneys. Thats just crude,
how could you say such a thing? I love Paul with all my heart
and he means so much to me. He's the most wonderful person in
the whole world! Besides, I was only going to DIVORCE him abd
make a settlement. No dying! See? Easy as pie.
Name: Fr*ncie Schw*rtz
Problem: What would you
do if someone you shagged has been married to some bird for
many years, then is marrying a one-legged bimbo? We all know
Bimbo?! I'm no flying elephant, missy! And we don't
like calling ourselves "one-legged". We prefer "the left-leg
impaired"...or is it my right leg? Tee hee, I tend to forget!
Name: Jennifer of CA
Problem: Dear Heather,
First of all, let me tell you that like, I totally dig your
advice column! It's so cool! Anywho, I have a TOTALLY major
problem. I used to have a major crush on Paul. Especially
after Linda first died, cos he was available. Around the time
he met you, I met my "soulmate"...and see I'm bisexual
(meaning that I swing both ways...date males and females) and
well...okay...this isn't a joke question like a lot are on
this page...this is a serious problem I really have, and I
really need some serious advice. I found
out that she (my
girlfriend) was cheating on me...with several other women. And
despite my anger with her, I still love her dearly and want to
live with her forever. The thing is, she doesn't want me. My
life feels so empty without her...she was my first, and I
think possibly only, love I've ever had. What should I do?
Should I try to win her back? Let her leave? How am I suppose
to cope with this loss?
Like, I always kinda thought "bi" people were gays
in denial but it sounds like you might go 'both ways'.
Personally, I could NEVER swing that way. I mean, that girl
would have to be PREEEEEETTY rich to win my affection. Hey,
does anyone know if that Ellen girl is loaded? Back to your
problemo! You need to come right out and say it to your
girlfriend: I think your neato but your treating me wrong and
I'm not gonna take it. There are ways of saying NO and I have
to reject Paul all the time...practically every NIGHT! So
don't dispair! All hope is not lost.
Problem: Just wondering, do you like
to play pirate in the
bedroom with Paul? And does Paul
ever take your peg leg, whittle it, and make you little wooden
animals and things of the sort when he's bored?
Yeah, like I wish! That would be SO neato! But
unfortunately, my leg isn't wood and Paul can't whittle. Tee
hee, I like that idea. Little wooden animals. I need to go
invest in some of those. I bet they're gonna sell like the
PlayStation II! Or a Furby, or whatever you kids are buying
these days. I heard something about a crap-box, no wait, maybe
it was an X-Box. Who knows?
Name: Vicky of right.....here.
Problem: Not a
problem, just a question. Are you and Paul
on having children? Or maybe Paul won't be able to, y'know,
due to his age and all, he'll be getting weaker won't he?
Still, any plans for kids and what would ya call them?
Kids?! Yucky poo. I think children are the devil.
They are sticky, and smelly and ugly. Paul wants to have kids
but what does he know? He's not the one who would have to pump
out a 10 pound cyst of a child through what would be in
comparison to a man, his EAR! Thats what it would be like! But
nOooOOoOOOo, only poor delicate little HEATHER would have to
be pumpin' out babies. Ouchies. But we're thinking about it,
well Paul's thinking about it, I've got me mind made up.
Names? I would probably name my first born...Heather! Thats a
coolio name. Or maybe...Peggy!
Name: Rachael Starkey of Ringo's arms
Heather, which leg are you missing?
The prosthetic one.
Name: Anna - Friar park
Problem: Heather, honey,
you do know that dentists invented braces to the end with the
whole gap thingie... Paul can stick his tongue between those
And he does too. Well he used to, before "the
accident". That one time it got stuck. Bad memories. Anywho, I
don't need braces. Braces are mean.
Name: Linda McCartney- Heaven.
Problem: What the
hell are you doing!? Paul is Mine! I havn't been dead 4 years,
and your already with some chick that likes your $$$ more than
you! I learned Piano for you! I sang for you! I...well, we
wont get into that. But, Heather. You keep your hands off my
Name: Rachael Starkey of Ringo's arms
Heather, just to ask you, because I know, what was the name of
the band Paul was in, with George, John and
Oh, like I know this one! Why wouldn't I? Paul
educates me on this kinda stuff. The name of their band was
WINGS. Regards, Heather
Name: Star of Missouri
Problem: Well nahhh its
not really a problem you see... my friend and I are going to
kidnap Paul when he goes on tour. heehee! We are going to have
fun with him. Oh yeah, I almost forgot we are going to cut off
your other leg and make you eat it..LMAO.
Paul (substituting for Heather whom is currently
looking up 'LMAO'): Love, my fiance` and I would appreciate it
if you would not threaten her like that. I know where your
coming from on this, but think of it from my persepctive: if
you cut her leg off, I'd be screwing a quadropleagic. And
thats just not very keen. So let her keep her leg...oh, and
don't kidnap me. You can take Geoff if you'd like. Cheers! -
Name: Torrey from that place across that ocean
Problem: Its more like a question. While making whoopy
with Paul, and say your on top, do you ever loose your balance
and fall over? Doesn't that really hurt Paul?
Thats never been a problem. I'm NEVER on top. Paul
has had this superiority complex ever since Linda died and
junk. She had him whipped for 30 odd years so now Paul takes
advantage of 'being the man'. Do I care? Whatever, as long as
I get my daily allowance...
Name: Johanna Lumley
Problem: Hello Sweetie
Darling! How can I become a great selfless person that works
for charities like you? Do I have to work for charities that
only have something to do with me?
The answer is obviously YES. You see, I didn't give
a flying poo about amputees until I became one. Just like
Linda probably didn't give a poo about breast cancer-ees
before she got it. Now if you are free of illness and you
still want to do charity work, I suggest starting off with
land mines. Land minds are mean. They are SO not nice. They
blow up and junk and they TOTALLY kill all these poor ants and
scorpions. Not neato! We must put an end to them before they
put an end to ANTS! And then, a total chain reaction will
occur. No ants, no anteaters. And what aminal relys on
anteaters as a source of food?...thats right, bears. And what
happens when all the bears go extinct? That means cows who
used to ear the bears will die too. And with no cows, that
means I don't get my McDonalds...NOT COOL! So support your
local Land mine relief fund.
Problem: Does Paul have a special
name for his...um...well you know? If so what is
Yes, he has several names for it: Old Spanky, Old
Faithful, The Little Engine that Could, the Ricardo (when he's
feeling Mexican), Dick Cheney (or just Cheney), Joe Bob, and
Problem: I have seen pictures of the
Beatles in their swimsuits. You know the Beatles? John, Paul,
George, and Ringo? And I noticed that it looks like Paul
doesn't have anything compared to the other Beatles. Is this
Seeing as I've never met the other lads, I wouldn't
know. But Paul isn't too bad. Geoff Baker set up an equation
where you could find out his...measurements for yourself. Keep
reading the column and you'll see it. Cheers! -
Problem: I dont want to fall in
love EVER. i dont want to
get married or have children,
just follow bands and "date" members of the bands i follow. my
mom thinks there is something wrong with me, is there?
Absolutely...not. You are doing nothing wrong and
frankly that is a great idea you have goin' on there. If these
guys are rich, you can make some money off of them without the
worry of commitment. I am TOTALLY tied down to Paul which is
not neato, but thats life. Hey, guess what I learned the other
day? Paul is like, left-handed! Isn't that the coolest? Tee
Problem: Is that all Paul thinks
about is sex?
No....YES! Um, hello?! Where have you been? I think
the only other thing he thinks about is yoga or Hindu junk cuz
I saw him reading some book, er, what was it called? Oh yeah,
the Karma Sutra.
Name: Breansie of Nottingham
Heather, I TOTALLY have like, this dilema!!! I was riding down
the road, when suddenly, this woman came out in front of me,
and i ran her over, and i think i ripped her leg off!! I
didn't catch her name, but....oh wait, it was you.....
Oh hee hee! Wait a minute! Poo you! Give me my leg
Name: Lennie Harrison
Problem: I'm just curious,
do you know who John Lennon is? I do, I'm just testing you!
Totally! John was the dude that sang the song about
the thing. Then he did some stuff, and then he died.
Name: Vicky of near Newcastle
Problem: It's not
really a problem, just a casual
question. I'm sure you
know what casual means, don't you Heather? Like, how long is
Paul's...you know? As long as the rumours say? If that is
Riiiiiiight, this is Geoff speaking for Heather who
was bewildered by your question (she's looking up "casual" as
we speak). Paul really wishes this information not to get out
but he insists I give you this math equation in which you can
calculate his...length. Multiply 10 * 10, then do the square
root and + 6. Riiiiiight, Paul. I'm not a source, I'm just
delivering the message. Cheerio, and good day. Riiiight,
Problem: On the cover of Paul's
new album, is he really peeing?
YES! I mean, this is why I am so embarrassed to be
seen with him cause he runs around doing all these things that
he thinks are cool at the time but they really aren't. Its
icky, I think. Actually, that wasn't his first choice for an
album cover. I had to BEG him not to use his first idea. You
don't even wanna know!
Name: Meather Hills
Problem: First off Heather,
PLEASE let me say that you are, like, totally the coolest
person ever! What I wouldn't give to be as incredibly
intelligent and pretty as you! I know that you are practically
a Beatles expert (you are so smart you could be an expert at
anything...) and I was wondering what you thought of the song
they sang called "Money"? Just asking!
FINALLY! Someone who acknowledges how amazingly cute
and smart I am. If only Paul would say that! When I ask him
what he thinks of me, he always answers by saying stuff like,
"Your a very unique indiviual" or "Heather, you know I love
sleeping with you". B@stard. Anywho, I've given you question
some thought and I must agree: I'm totally a Beatle expert
person. So I think that song is one of my favorites! I can
like interrpret the meaning very well. "The best things is
life are free." Sex. "But you can save that for the birds and
bees." Sex. "Now give me money, thats what I want." Very
meaningful lyrics there! What a coolio song.
Problem: What do you and PAUL do
We do different things. I like to shop, buy stuff,
dye my hair, get manicures, see movies, and then shop some
more. Paul likes to eat, smoke weed, drink scotch, eat again,
watch dirty movies, eat, and then make babies at the end of
the day. All in all, we're both pretty happy the way things
are going in our relationship.
Riiiiiight, this is Geoff Baker speaking. Just here
to let you all know Paul doesn't smoke anything illegal...that
would just be silly. As for eating, well he's a growing boy,
let the man eat in peace. Now where's my Diet Coke? Riiight,
Name: Linda McCartney
Problem: I will haunt you
EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Its Linda, that psycho veggie b*tch!
I am SO telling Paul.
Name: Mrs. George Harrison
Problem: I'm married
to a ghost! How can I remedy this?
Ooooh, your that widow to one of the Rolling Stones.
Sorry about your loss! I read that your hubby believed in
something called reintardation - where you get reintardated as
something else like a butterfly or a moose. I don't think
you'll wanna marry a moose (then again, I saw someone do that
on Jerry Springer). So my advice is to take advantage of the
sad situation. Since your a part of George's loss, you'll get
lots of recognition around now so you gotta do some publicity
stunts while people are still paying attention to you. I also
read in the papers that your gonna sue some guy that stole
George's stuff quite a few years ago. Thats a good idea! Make
lots of money off the a-hole!
Name: My name is Molly from Evil-Twit-Land.
Problem: Ok, so there's this DORKY Heather girl who thinks
she's all that and is putting her face all over the place.
Like, what should I do?
Oh, are you talking about Paul's daughter, Heather?
I KNOW! She's a total b*tch goddess. I wish she would go away.
She is SO not neato. If you ever run into her or see her on
the streets, throw an egg at her.
Name: Jane Asher
Problem: This isn't real my
problem....its more or less someone else's problem....Lets
call her Meather Hills...wait no too obvious!...Ok we can just
call her Dirty Maggie May, Her problem is that her amazingly
rich and famous boy friend who was in The Beatles (were they
like famous or something?) doesn't love her *sigh* He loves
me! Do you hear that?! Paul loves me not you!You brainwashed
him! You Linda and Francie! You're all the same!...wait...I
mean not Paul.....one of the other Beatles...yeah ...thats
right that other Beatle the spastic one...whats his
name...Mick? Yeah thats it.. Anyway he used to date me and
love me (he still does) anyway he dumped me for a bunch of
evil girls. But he still loves me, he tells me so. Now then
back to your...I mean Maggie's problem: What should this poor
sappy girl do? I mean he definetly won't stay with her! I
think she should hurl herself from the 32nd floor of a large
building! Thats what I think! Well good luck Maggie...I mean
Heather! Give my regards to Paul....Tell him that I'll be
around later and that he should buy a cake from me!
The wonderful and beautiful
Jane Asher, Jane Asher...Jane Asher. I swear, I've
heard that name before! Hey, I remember you! Paul talks about
you all the time. He calls you "That ex-girlfriend of mine,
Jane-Martha Stewart-Asher"." Yeah, don't you have your own
community show - "Living"? How neato. That means your good at
baking, sewing, and junk, right? Hey! Teach me how to use a
microwave! I want to impress Paul for his 43rd
Name: Nadia the Groupie Queen
I'd like to comment on advice you gave to a Sir Clive Alan
Elam-Buffer Frost Of Edgwater,FL... HEATHER, YOU RETARD! I
know you don't appreciate your husband's talent cause all YOU
care about is his wallet, but you told this Alan dude that all
he needs is money...Whatever! He needs talent and charm,
that's all! ::Mutters:: I can see why that damn motorcycle
threw you off, it didn't like you either...
Correct me if I'm wrong but this kinda sounds like a
personal problem. Tee hee! SoMeOnE iS JeAlOuS (nanny nanny boo
boo). That Alan dude didn't have bread and as far as I'm
concerned, he's broken the third commandment. Thou shall not
be broke or thou wilt feel thy wrath of no women. Period. How
many homeless duded do you see with wives? Boo-yeah! I'm
should SO be in a debate class cuz I could totally win. And
for the record, that motorcycle was mean.
Name: Paul Fan 2
Problem: Has Paul ever
accidently pulled your fake leg off?
Never accidently. The b@stard does it on purpose! He
thinks its funny when he hides it from me. The last place I
found it was the oven! What an @ss. Oh, and he has to take it
off when we make babies. He says it threatens
Problem: How can I get my eyebrows
black and hair blonde like yours?
Its very simple really. You only need two important
items to accomplish this stylish look: a bucket of bleach and
a black, permanent marker. Cheers!
Name: Mary, CA
Problem: I think my boyfriend's
cheating on me.
Oh, that is totally not neato! If MY boyfriend ever
cheated on me, I would SO tell Geoff. Even though Geoff can be
mean and wired from his addiction to Diet Coke, he sets Paul
in line. I remember that one time he and Paul had a duel. That
was scary! They were fighting with ballpoint pens. Yeah, find
out if your boyfriend is cheating and if he is, let me know
and I'll send Geoff on him.
Name: Paulie of Athens Ga
Problem: Heather, what
would you do if I told that Paul was 59?
I would laugh like this: Tee hee! Um HELLO! He's
only 42! Obviously someone hasn't been doing their Beatle
homework. I know *I* have. Want to hear all I know: Okay, like
the Beatles are this band and junk and they like sang songs.
There were 4 of them, no wait, maybe 5. Okay, 5 of them. And
their names were Paul....um, Paul...Bill, Tom, Jack, and
Lenny. My favorite was Lenny.
Name: Paul fan
Problem: What would you do if
Paul Mccartey went broke??? Who would you go
That is so weird that you should mention Paul going
broke cuz he is always accusing me of "being the one who will
send me to the poor house". He always picks on my investments.
I like spending his money on stock. Like yesterday, I bought 1
million shares of emu stock. The emu represenative totally
said that emus are gonna be the next beef and I should buy
stock right away. I think its the wiset decision I've ever
Name: Feather Hills, Manchester
Heather, I love you! I read your column everyday! I
desperately need your advice. I think my much older boyfriend,
Saul, is in love with you. He is always talking about you,
quoting you, and saying how you are the most beautiful woman
alive. He has asked me more than once to get a makeover so
that I can look just like you. I'm willing to try because I
don't want to lose him ( he has ALOT of money!). Could you
give me some makeup, clothing, and hair tips? It would be
greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Yet another admirer of myself. *sigh* I'm so
popular. So you wanna look like me, huh? Well first, you'll
have to get some plyers and open my book "Be Heather" to
chapter 48 where I teach you how to make a nice gap in your
front teeth. Next, go get your hair dyed blonde but leave
about 3 inches of dark roots. Thats the style! Make-up like
me? You can pencil in your lips lop-sided to look like mine.
And whenever a camera appears, look right into it and smile
like me! Even if your not suppose to be looking at it. Hee
hee! I'm such a goddess, I'm jealous of myself. Also, include
a list of new words into your vocabulary: neato, stuff, junk,
crap, poo, duh, like, anywho, and pet rock.
Name: Livvy from London
Problem: Heather, I am
so excited that I am in your column! Okay here is my problem.
I really love Stella McCartney's clothes and I here she is a
fashion designer. Seeing as how she is Paul's daugter, I am
sure you are both REALLY close. Could you tell me where I can
find some of the clothes that she designs? I want to buy all
of it! Thanks so much!
Ew, yucky poo! You like STELLA's clothes?! Like,
that girl is totally macho. She could kick my @ss, the snotty
little brat. Wouldn't you rather dress like me? When ever did
the rose frock go out of style? My, the times, they are a
changing. Hey, thats totally a Beatle song! Tee hee. Yeah but
seroiusly, if your looking to buy Stella clothing deedlies
("stuff"), you should check garage sales, The Dollar Store,
and flea markets.
Name: Yoko Ono: Paul, George, & Ringo's last
Problem: Heather! Alas we speak! I am Yoko Ono! I
was also a Beatles wife/Girlfriend!! Just so you know, there
are a few tips on how to marry paul & still date guys you
REALLY like. Like my ex- husband, He wasn't worth what John
was so what did I do? I pretended I loved him, & behind
his back I posed in the raw with & for John! Think about
.............Okay, I thought about it and it was
yucky! I mean, I've seen your boobies and they are reeeeeally
saggy. We're talkin' about saggier than Paul's! And thats just
Name: Mrs. Roger Waters, London.
does it feel to be second best to lovely Linda? She was sooo
much prettier, and smarter and nicer than you!
You think THAT is prettier than ME?! Give it some
Name: Mrs. Starr of Ringo's Bedroom
Well, I'm looking for a man who can provide for me, without me
having to work. How much money do you think he needs to do
that? Because we all know Paul is loaded, I thought you might
have an idea.
Oh, your Ringo's wife, right?!? Yeah, I always kinda
liked the Beach Boys myself. How did you get stuck with the
ugly one though? His career like totally deteriorated (I
learned that word from Jeopardy) after the Beach Boys broke
up. He was all like a train conductor on that children's show,
right? Looser. Yeah, its about time you ditch him for someone
richer. How much money should he have? Nothing less than your
age multiplied by a billion. Go check out Brad Pitt. I hear
Name: Melissa Crawford from Ohio
uuummm.....Heather, do you always have a solution too
Like DUH! Just because I never studied psychologiasm
doesn't mean I don't know how to help people with their stupid
problems. I'm like God, only cuter. Tee hee! I know
EVERYTHING...except how to make the d@mn VCR stop saying
Name: Vanessa Lennon of Liverpool
Heather, I am so proud of you for getting Paul! One thing, can
you get me hooked up? I mean Paul needs to know (& love)
someone who knows everything about him like his birthday, his
music, and his naughty fantasies about my darling
Yeah, he wishes! I think Paul is perfectly happy
with someone as smart-like and intellijanent as me, thank
Name: Bre Of Winchester
Problem: *Sigh* I have
like this HUGE date to go on, and
the guy that I am going
with is only worth 4 Billion. Ugh! Well, I decided to sink to
that level (I know, I KNOW) Do you think that was TOTALLY
un-posh of me?
EW!!! Only four billion? Like, oh my gosh, that is
so pitiful. I feel so sorry for you! I think you are in need
of some psychiological help; you obviously don't have enough
respect for yourself if your settling for so much less. You
are better than that! We can overcome! I say, go on the date
and after you get him to buy you a car, dump him! Quickly,
before anyone sees you with him!
Name: Charles from Wales
Problem: Oh, Heather.
You have no IDEA how much I look up to you! I come here every
day for your advice (because you give such good answers). And
I just can't seem to control myself any longer. I think I am
in love with you! What should I do?
Hee hee! Take THAT, Paul! Yes, your not the first
man to throw himself at my feet...foot. I'm always fighting
the guys off. Usually the dirty, stinky ones with tattered
clothes and no teeth. Hmmm, I wonder what all of THAT is
about. Well you probably ARE in love with me and what can I
say? I have that effect on men, the sexy goddess that I am.
Well I'd love to get to know you. Here are some questions I
run through with all my dates. Like, here we go: So whats your
name...yeah thats nice, so what do you do for a
living...whatever, so are you rich and junk?
Name: Confused of Peterlee
Problem: Is it OK to
like Yoko Ono? I've found myself saying things like, "Oh, she
isn't THAT bad," and, "I would really like to meet Yoko. I
reckon she'd be a really nice woman." This is worrying me,
because surely we should think she's crazy? Maybe I'm crazy?
Yeah um, one question: What is a Yoko Ono? It sounds
like one of those Japanese car-thingy-ma-jiggies. Hee hee! I
think the technical professional term for car would be
automobilianism. Oh, boo yeah! Heather's on fire tonight!
Anywho, I think cars are neato. Unless they are any of the
following: Chevy, Ford, Mercedes, Lincoln, Dodge, Viper,
Mustang, Buick, BMW, Honda, Hyundai, Acura, Catillac,
Chrysler, Infiniti, Jeep, Kia, Lexus, Isuzu, Plymouth,
Oldsmobile, Toyota, Volvo, or Saturn. But the rest are
Name: The Rock
Problem: Can you smell what The
Rock is cookin'?
No. But I like pet rocks. I've boughten 1000 shares
in pet rock stock. But do me a favor and don't tell Paul.
Apparently, I'm "wasting" his money on "valueless"
investments. He's constantly bringing up the whole
investing-in the glow-in-the-dark-fingernail-polish boo boo.
Honestly, I thought we could strike it rich(er) with that
investment. But APPARENTLY no one buys
glow-in-the-dark-fingernail polish any more.
Name: Nadia The Groupie Queen
Problem: I'm 15
and crazy about a 37 year-old married guy that plays George in
a Beatles band! What should I do?
Screw him. Sex is always the way to a man's heart.
Sex and candy. Oooh, thats a song, isn't it?! Yeah, I wrote
that song...shut up, I COULD HAVE written that song. I just
didn't feel like it. Back to your problem, theres nothing
wrong with liking an older man if you like him for the right
reasons (cha-ching!). So make the right choice. I'll write out
an equation for you. $$$ = Happy Heather.
Name: Paulie of Athens Georgia
Problem: I have a
huge problem! I can't seem to meet anyone famous! I haven't
even seen anyone famous except at a concert. My teacher
watched Ben Affleck (spelling?) for one whole hour and almost
got runover by some member of REM! How can I meet someone
Aw, don't be depressed about the whole famous crowd.
They're not all their cracked up to be. The only ones worth
meeting are Brad Pitt and Michael Jackson. Why? Because Brad
Pitt, as I hear, is very famous and rich, maybe even richer
than Paul. I'd like to meet Michael cause he's funny looking.
Hee hee! I've always wanted to poke his nose. I wonder if it
would squeak. Hmmmm...
Name: Lovely Lady Linda of Liverpool!
Why did you steal my Paulie away from me? I may be dead, but
he's mine! *bares teeth* Die!
Good golly miss Molly! Its Linda talking to me
beyond the grave again! Linda's spirit is like so mean to me.
I remember this one time Paul and I were playing Twister, my
leg fell off and I swear I heard in Linda's voice, "Die
b*tch!" Paul doesn't believe me, cuz he thinks I'm all jealous
of something. But I know what I heard!
Name: Mrs Richard Starkey of Liddypool
How do I attract a rich boyfriend? I'm not as attractive or
gear as you! What should I do?
Well, duh! Of corse your not as cute as me! No one
is. But what is *gear*? I heard thats like equipment or some
such crap. Hee hee, technology is weird. I like am totally
understanding it but Paul sure doesn't. For his birthday, I
dipped into his wallet and bought him something called a DVD
player. I think that stands for "Digital Video Junk". Oh wait,
that would be a DVJ player. Technology is hard! Anywho, I buy
him this DVJ player and he was all like, "What is it?" And I
said, "Its a machine-ma-jiggy that plays DVJ's." And he goes,
"What a DVJ?" And I'm all like, "Thats like a movie but more
expensive." And he goes, "Whats the difference?" So I say,
"Its on a CD instead of a big tape thingy." And he says,
"Besides that! I mean, how is it any better than a movie?" So
I say, "Cuz its expensive!!" DUH! I mean, how stupid is he?
More expensive is better. He needs to learn to live like a
rich dude, cuz he can be so embarassing sometimes! I am so in
touch with the life-style so I'm all used to it. WAIT A
MINUTE! Didn't you have some kind of question you wanted me to
answer? Oh, I totally like forgot! So you want a rich
boyfriend? I can help: take Paul's son, James. He gets his
"bread" (hee hee!) from his dad, my hubby. And that boy pisses
me off anyways. I need a good reason to get rid of him. He's
always checking me out. Then again, EVERYONE
Name: Johnni of The Magic Land of Something
Problem: My problem... ever since George died, I've lost
my appetite. I really thought that was the reason, then I
kinda started to get over it and my appetite didn't come back!
What's wrong? I can't even hold a burrito!
Ooooh, I get it! You have that disease thingy Karen
Carpenter had...what was it called...oh yeah! Anoexiullima!
Thats where you can't eat food cuz your fat. Are you fat? Fat
people like food. You should see the way Paul eats! PIG! Hee
hee. But I see you have a serious problem so I'm here to help!
In order to start eating again, you'll have to eat something.
Thats just the way it works. Make your stomach handle it, and
don't allow yourself to vomit. If you vomit, then you'll be
skinny and only I'M allowed to be skinny. Also, you are
dealing with George's death and this may give you a weak
stomach but I'm sure it'll go away in time. Paul has the
opposite problem. When he gets sad and stuff, he just EATS and
EATS and EATS and EATS! Be lucky you don't have THAT
Name: Heather Mills
Problem: This is great! I
think the most valuable person in the world to talk to is
myself, and now I finally get the chance to ask myself
something I have been meaning to ask myself for the past
couple of weeks...Heather dearest...do you remember if we told
Paul we would or wouldn't have a baby with him? He's upstairs
waiting and wants an answer. Help.
Oh poo! Like, making babies is fun and all but
HAVING babies is a whole nother ball field. Its like, Paul
told me his birthday is in June and that he's turning 42. Oh
my gosh, he's so old! Like, 42!! Can you believe it? Where
does the time go? But yeah, and if he is 42 that means that he
will be 42 years older than our baby if we have one. I'm
surprised he's still capable of making babies. After all,
don't men go through like menopause when they reach 40? I'm
not into medical crap so I wouldn't know. Menopause is mean.
What were we talking about again?
Name: Vicky of Sunderland again
again Heather! Thanks so much for your advice last time,
although it didn't work out as well as I hoped. I now have NO
friends, and I was hoping that you could tell me how to get
some new ones? Or even if YOU would be my friend? Oh, I'm so
Paul, don't you DARE say "I told you do!" Like, she
totally must have followed my advice wrong or something
because HEATHER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! But back to your problem: no
friends, huh? Well, I heard this song by Herman's Hermits
where they sing that money can buy you love. So I suggest you
get some money. I think money is neato!
Name: Vanessa Lennon Liverpool
What would you do if Paulio was cheatin on u with a 14 year
old? I mean like if he was goin' all the way with some one
even younger than you?
Who is Paulio? Well, like MY boyfriend would never
cheat on me cuz I watch him like a fox. This one time he was
checking out this model chick girl...or maybe she was an
actress. I think her name was like...Pamela something. And he
was on her show VIP, whatever that is. But yeah, like he was
checking out her legs. So naturally, I have to make my
surprise appearance on the show to keep him in line. He got
real mad and junk! You should have heard him. "Heather, you're
not allowed to be barging in on my shows. Blah, blah, blah."
Seriously, I've learned to totally tune him out. In the TV
version, I was like totally editted out of the show. Pooey!
But I get to slip in on a lot of the TV junk Paul does. Like
his interview with Larry King! Hee hee! I thought it was
boring so I came on in the end, and juiced up the show by
talking about the evils of landminds.
Name: Lennon's Gurl
Problem: R U a gold digger?
I mean what would make you even want to marry Paul?
Oh my gosh, I like looooove gold. So I guess you
could say I "dig" gold. Hee hee! Thats like all '60s sounding
and stuff. "Dig" gold. Oh wait, isn't that a pun?!? Wow, I'm
so clever! But anyways, the reason I am marrying Paul is cuz
he's nice and junk like that. He has a good personality
thingy, and he gives me stability ($$$).
Name: Lizzy from Liverpool
Heather, I've always been wondering something. Did you really
lose your leg "by accident" or did you do it in order to get
noticed by Paul?
It was a total accident! Honestly, I like didn't
jump off the motorcycle, it threw ME off. Besides, there are
more productive ways of getting a billionaires attention. Like
the flashing boobies method.
Name: Clio McKenzie of Liverpool
good is Paul, y'know... how *good*?
Clio? Aren't you that black psychic lady Miss Cleo
who charges me $1.99 a minute each night I call you? Hee hee!
Then you'll be hearing from me soon. Yeah, like I wish I was
pyschotic and I could tell the future. I bet I can...I should
become a fortune teller person. That would be fun! Oh
wait...what were we talking about? Oh, Paul! Well if your one
of them fortune telling people don't you already KNOW how he
measures up in the sack? I bet you do! If I were ranking him
on a scale from 1 to 10 I'd give him...11! Ya see we have this
bookshelf loaded with these *night* time books Paul buys and
when its beddy-by time, he likes to...wait a minute! If I tell
you this, Paul'll kill me! Apparently he thinks our sex life
is "not up for public discussion" (whatever THAT means).
Name: Jessi Moon of Wembley!
Problem: Oooooh my
Krishna, Heather! Like, I read your Be Heather page. And it
like totally changed my like life! Thank you like SoOoOoOo
much like Heather!
Yeah, I know. I change everyones' life with my
irresistable charm and beauty. Need any advice?
Name: Vicky from Sunderland
Problem: Hi Heather,
you geordie lass. Nice to see a fellow northerner has bagged a
man old enough to be her great-grandad...not that I suspect
your reasons for getting engaged...anywho, my problem. My
friends are threatening to desert me if I don't stop
incessantly chattering about the Beatles, about whom they
don't care. I love my friends and I don't want to lose them
but I really love the Beatles! What can I do?!
Oh, you like the Beatle TOO? It seems like everyone
who writes to me does! They must be famous or something. Well
your friends are obviously the problem. What kind of music do
they listen to? Ghetto music? Thats what Geoff Baker listens
to. My advice is to get them interested into the Beatles, even
against their will. Make them listen to all their record
thingies ("Abby Street" and "Magical Bus Tour") and then, tie
them down to a chair and force them to look at their pictures.
Thats what Paul did to me, and I still don't like them but at
least I know what they look like.
Name: Bret from Worcester
Problem: This question
has always been bugging me. Do you hide a bottle of Schnappes
in your leg?
YES!!! I have to! Whenever Paul starts crying again,
I don't feel like comforting him so I pull out my bottle of
Schnappes and let him drink his sorrows away. Geoff says that
will lead to a serious drinking problem but you know what?!
Geoff is a two-faced rat whose always telling me what to do so
frankly, he can kiss my @SS.
Name: Lindy Mac of Liverpool
Heather, there's this girl named Sa- I mean Jessica Wilkey who
owns this website that keeps b*tching on about how, well...
b*tchy you are! I think you are soooooo fab! What should I do?
This Jessica Wilkey is one of the many young girls
out there who like totally ENVY me. I realize the only reason
they critisize (wow, what a big word!) me is because they wish
they were as strikingly sexy as I am. Its a matter of
b*tch-envy. Oh, your too much...I already KNOW I'm fab.
Whatever THAT means. But they called Paul's old '60s band the
Fab Four so it must be good. I heard they were famous or
Name: Rachael B. Starkey of Liverpool
Heather, what do you do if yer 2nd fave Beatles (George
Harrison) has just died from cancer?
C. Play his albums over and over... and over... and
D. Dress in black and refuse to eat, sleep and
I don't know what to do Heather!!!!
WHAT?!? George Harrison is dead!?!? Oh my gosh! So
THAT'S why Paul has been crying endlessly, and telling me to
f-off. Gee, you have to admit though, that George Harrison was
getting like anciently old. I mean, he was the Beatles'
producer, right? Yeah, thats where I've heard of him. Um, the
way I usually deal with death is to store all my feelings
inside and not express myself in any form or fashion. Oh wait,
I heard that makes people commit suicide. Er, better not do
that one. Okay, then how about you like cry and junk? That
makes people feel a whole lot better! Don't worry, dear,
Heather is here to comfort you. Let it allllllllll out...okay,
thats enough, shut up now.
Name: Josie of the PussyCats
Problem: Heather. I
really like this one guy who is SO out of my league! What to
Oh! Like I get it, he's gay, right? Yeah, thats in
whole other league alright! But how can you make him love you?
Start some chit-chat with him and then casually mention after
you exchange your how-do-you-do's "Hey, did you know that the
percentage rates of AIDS is increasing everyday?" Hee hee! You
can scare him straight!
Name: Jubilant Julie from Texas
Problem: How can
I meet Paul? Just kidding. Do you have any advice on how to
get backstage passes or something like to a band/artist? I
have been a fan of *N SYNC for 3 years, and I haven't even
gotten close enough to make out facial features at concerts!
I've entered tons of contests, and I haven't won anything! Not
even a personal hello! Please help!
NSYNC?! Aren't they like a hard rock band or
something? Or maybe I'm thinking of the CrapStreet Boys.
Honestly the names of the bands today are like, so ghetto! hee
hee! So you want to get close to a band. I can help! First,
you gotta get yourself some tickets to their next concert. Try
to get them mildly close to the stage so at least they can see
you. Now, when the show starts to end, flash them your
boobies! Trust me, this works EVERY TIME. Wait till one of
them sees you, and the rest works itself out. They'll probably
summon to meet you and junk, and then you can start dating
them and cash in on their million dollar credit line. Hee hee!
Take me, from experience. I'm doing great! Now, if your too
shy to give them a shot of your boobies, there are other ways
of getting close. One of the mostest goodest ways it stalking
them. Find where they live and like, pitch up a tent by their
home (or as close to it as you can get). My theory is: THEY
HAVE TO COME OUT SOMETIME! They can't stay in there forever.
When they do, jump on their car and pretend THEY hit YOU.
They'll be afraid of legal stuff so they'll come talk to you
and then you cam make your move! Stalking is fun
Name: Sir Clive Alan Elam-Buffer Frost Of
Problem: Well, ya see. I'm like a
musician...and,unlike other musicians(even broke ones like
me), I have always had a great difficulty getting chicks. How
can I remedy that situation?
You have a very easy problem to fix, and evident at
that (like I sound so smart today!). Okay, you are obviously a
struggling musician dude so thats why you have trouble with
girls. Cuz ya see, diamonds and junk are a girls best friend.
No dough means no ho. Get rich and stuff. Then girls will be
ALL over you. My boyfriend is like mega-loaded! And our
relationship is working out like totally good. You see, money
is the key to a woman's heart. Paul has one BIG key. HEE HEE!
So my advice is to stop not making money. Like, how hard could
it possibly be to make an album and get millions of
Name: Haley of Texas
Problem: Dear Heather,
Why did you steal our Paulie from us?
And why haven't
you admitted it yet that you're faking the whole one-leg
thing. I saw you secretly took yoga for a year so you could
bend your leg back far enough to tuck into your dress!
There, there, shut up now. I can see quite perfectly
what the real problem is. Your jealous. Awwww! Its because I'm
so cute, isn't it!? If your looking to have a shag with my
hubby-to-be, he's alllll yours. Ever since he bought that 100
tips book, we've been going at it like bunnies! I need a rest
from it! Horny b@stard. Oh, and my leg is a REAL fake leg. It
it were still there, then people wouldn't pay attention to me
and I'd have to do some more publicity stunts to get
Name: Katie of Michigan
Problem: Ok Heather....I
have a huge problem! There is this really cute older English
man that I really like,
but he is engaged to this horrible
lady who is way too young for him! She has bad fashion sense
brown roots in her hair ( she dyes her hair
blonde! how gross!). She is so terrible that I can't even
name! She is so wrong for Paul...I mean this
guy! So my question for you is how do I get this extremely
handsome wonderful amazing ex-Beatle....I mean ordinary
guy who you don't know to cut off his engagement to you...I
mean his girlfriend who is not you? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! He
can't marry her!! I WOULD JUST DIE! Thanks
Ew! This girl sounds like a total b*tch! But what to
do...I'm an expert at ruining relationships. hee hee! I know
what you can do! Okay, I heard that there was this war going
on in Afcrapistan (nothern China, I think). Sign her in for
the army! Then, they'll ship her away and in the meantime, you
can seduce this handsome, RICH British guy. He'll fall in love
with you, his finace` will step on a land mind, and everything
will work out JUST fine. Hey...WAIT A MINUTE! Now I know who
your talking about!! Are you trying to break up Elizabeth
Hurley and Hugh Grant?!
Name: Rori of Ridgefield
Problem: Do you ever
mistakenly, or drunkenly, call Sir Paul "Grandfather"? Like
when you wake up in the morning and there's this old man lying
next to you. Do you ever go "Yikes! What have I gotten myself
into?" Or maybe you don't care cause he has a $Billion$ dollar
credit line on his plastic.
Hmm, like I agree with the second one! Credit card
thingies are cool, especially Paul's. He has a stack of them!
But he always seems to find out everytime I charge
something...and its like, "HOW DOES HE KNOW?!" He even knows
what I bought, and where it came from! Of corse, he finds out
at like the same time at the end of every month. I'm beginning
to think he's schizophrenic...he can READ minds. Scary! Which
is kinda weird cuz I always thought that old people weren't
good at ANYTHING. Except shufflebords and bingo. Paul can kick
my @ss at Bingo! What were we talking about again? Hee hee! Oh
yeah! So to answer your first question, I haven't called my
rich boyfriend grandpa yet. I have other nicknames for him
like "Paul" and "Paulie". He calls me Peg! I think he thinks
its an inside joke but I still don't get it!
Name: Brianna Morgan of Nuremburg, Germany
Problem: So Heather daa-aaling, how do I get some Paul for
MYSELF? I mean, I kinda think he deserves to be with a
gorgeous artist like me, you know, i only have his best
interests in mind :)
Oh yeah, bring it on, ho! Hee hee! I'll go ghetto on
yo @ss! ~I~ am gorgeous! I mean, I have the most beautiful
features. My sexy gap between by two front teeth, my luscious
widow's peak, my divine drooping boobies! Yeah, thats right!
Sex-pot walking, right here. So *beauty* isn't the
competition. But if your looking to rope yourself a totally
rich guy (and your not picky on age, gender, or looks), your
welcome to one of my MANY ex-husbands and fiance`s. I have a
whole CHAPTER in my book about lassoing yourself a good, rich
guy. Oh oh oh! You could go for one of the other Beatles! What
was his name...oh yeah! Mick Jagger!
Name: Paul McCartney from Liverpool
Heather, dear, I told you not to be going online and doing all
of this without asking me first. Your advice really doesn't
help, you know. I never should have worn that awful outfit at
the Concert For New York like you told me to. It made me look
fat! Honestly, I was planning on wearing a suit but you whined
too much and I didn't want to hear it. And quit taking checks
out of my wallet!
Paul, darling! How did you find out?! I told you, he
was schizophrenic. He knows EVERYTHING. Well, first off, my
advice is GOD. Like, I am totally getting in touch with
people's feelings and junk. Look at all the people who have
reached out to me already! I am touching peoples' lives. Now
what is wrong with what you wore to the NY Concert?! I wasn't
gonna let you make an @ss of yourself and wear that suit. I
wouldn't be seen in public with you in THAT! And you didn't
look fat...you ARE fat, you lazy b@stard! Ya can't blame me
for all your problems (let me tell you everyone, HE DOES!
"Heather, why did you fire Geoff Baker? Heather, where are my
plaid old man socks? Heather, stop spending my retirement fund
on pet rocks! Heather, this, Heather, that! Its always b*tch,
b*tch, b*tch.). Do some sit-ups for pooey sake! I told you
already...no more playing doctors and nurses until you reach a
B cup! And *I* didn't take those checks! Geoff did! HE did
Name: Paul McCartney of Liverpool
Heather, you win, but haven't you noticed that most of the
problems from these people are you? I just want you to know
that I don't appreciate you calling me names, dear. Do I go
around calling you names? Noooo. And by the way, what exactly
did you do with my plaid socks? Linda would have never done
anything like that.
Oh, like what a surprise! Everyone, Paul is always
doing that to me. He always compares me to LINDA. "Heather,
LINDA would never throw away my plaid socks. Heather, LINDA
would never have burned the p*rno I keep stashed under the
bed. Heather, LINDA never make me dedicate a song to her." Its
about time he noticed how much CUTER I am than Linda. Like,
all Linda ever did was try to stop breast cancer and stuff.
Breast cancer isn't nice. But I'm supporting a more better
cause than she was! I'm like trying to stop land minds from
taking over the world. First its Afcrapistan, then its the
WORLD! So I'm better than her on so many levels. By the way,
Paul, I didn't call you any names! I didn't say b@stard...I
actually said you were a...pastor! Yeah, a pastor! Cuz your
all holy and stuff, like a God. hee hee! And no one's problem
is ME! I am the one who people seek guidance from, like Opera.
Doesn't she have her own magazine now? I think I should make a
magazine! I could call it "Heather".