Name: Stella, LA
Problem: My boyfriend's birthday is in a few days and I'm not sure what to get him. Any ideas?
Geoff: Get him a copy of "Driving Rain", available wherever CD's and a records are sold. Or perhaps he'd like a copy of "Driving USA". Please God...we haven't sold a single copy yet. *Apparently* people have noticed it's just a bunch of poorly re-recorded Beatle songs, that shouldn't have been tampered with but again. Damn the observant.
Name: Summer from Cali
Problem: My boyfriend wrote me a song for our 6 week anniversary, but it's the most horrible song ever. But he keeps singing it in front of our friends and junk and it's sooooo embarrassing, especially when he says I inspired him to do it. How do I get him to shut up for good?
You should be so lucky! Imagine having a shitty song written in your honour EVERYDAY! That's the hell I go through, living with Paul. Ever hear "From a Lover to a Friend"? That was another Peg inspired tune. Holy Christ...I wanted to buy and bon-fire every copy of that single, but then I realised this would decrease profit, which means less money for Peg. I say just do what I do, and bite the bullet. If I can live with entire albums of 100% shit, I think one love song won't hurt you. Worst comes to worst, you can always let him play his song to a loudmouth, outspoken friend and let THEM tell him he sucks ass. That's why God put Geoff on this earth.
Name: Linda, heaven
Problem: Listen up biotch! I don't want some rap star wannabe to steal my Paul! Go back to the ghetto where you belong!
Paul answers: Linder, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: My dear Heather is going through a "phase". She's actually a very intelligent little lady, it's just that Two Pock or Eminem Pock or whatever whose been inspiring her more recent...persona. Don't let the wicked crunk dialect fool you, she's a very keen girl.
Drinkin' One for Me, and One for Ma Homies,
Name: Susana from Coolsville
Problem: So, Heather, do you have any other prosthetic limbs that we are not aware of?
Yeah. the one I keep on a mild vibration, to make up for my suffering sex life with Sir Porky. I have taken the liberty of naming him Benjamen Franklin.
Name: The Great Oz from Munchkinland
Problem: Yo, Peg-O! So, you're all big on this, like, minefield junk ...so my question is, if you had the choice of crossing a mine-dotted (or not, who knows?) field, with Paulie waiting on the other side with his full will written out to you (read - "*ssloads of cash") or fighting to the death in an enclosed metal cage with a chainsaw wielding Yoko, with Paulie's cash as the prize (granted you both don't die first)...which would you choose?
Geoff Answers: I don't know what you've been smoking, but be a lad and pass along that shi-et, biotch!
Name: Francie Shwartz - I AM CANADIAN
Problem: Is Paul as good in bed as he used to be? Damn it, Heather, u have the hottest damn husband! Just gimme one damn night with him - that's all I want! Do u wish that he looked like he did in the sixties though?
Oh my G, like, Paul had told me you wuz stupid, but God damn! Paul wasn't even ALIVE in the '60s! Who you be playin, dawg? As for his sexual performance, let's just say he's as hyper as Roberto Benigni and as arrousing as Dick Chainey. If that still entices you, have at him. I'm not stopping you.
Name: valley girl
Problem: There is this guy who is like totally popular and has like tons of money tehe! So like you know you have the same kind of guy who is like a total fox TO THE MAX!! So i thought you might know how to get him into my like totally cool wicked trap
Tee hee! Like you sound totally familiar! Anywho, if I were you, I wouldn't waste my time with Ben Affleck. Trust me...BEEN THERE! Decent shag, but a tite-wad all the same. I hear he's getting married to that J-Lo chick. How unforgiveably GAY. Like, I give that marriage...two weeks. I just hope for her sake she doesn't sign the pre-nup, cuz that marriage will end as quick as I can fake another orgasm. What were we talking about?
Problem: Heather, I was curious to know what you *really* think of your husband's kids. Like, they don't seem to care much for you, as far as I've read from things Stella says, so what do you have to say? And also, how the hell can you wear those strap shoes when you are supposed to be one-legged. Did you get to pick out the toes? I'm just curious...
That was three question, you greedy swine. Like, Stella is a mean, stinky, rug-muncher with the lack of an adequate vocabulary! Like, I don't know what half of that means but uh, yeah. Take that. beech! She's just bitter cuz ol' your's trully erased her out of Paulio's will. Heh heh. Actually, the bloody thing was typed and laminated, so I had to use a permanent marker and just cross her out and write "I mean, like, totally Heather instead". I'm sure the will people won't notice the minor difference. Come to think of it, I had to make a lot of revisions on Paul's will thingie. Tee hee! I'm such a bad ass.
Name: Like, I totally don't want to say, but my name does NOT begin with an F and end with -rancie shwartz, I can tell you that! I'll call myself Shrancie.
Problem: Well, like, a long time ago I totally screwed
this really famous rock star when his girlie dumped him, (I don't want to mention his name, but he was totally famous and rich!) and then I, like, wrote this totally groovy book all about it, and now I get so much hate-mail from his fans, and I was wondering if you had any advice, since you're totally a genius and everything, and you must get some really poo-poo, not-nice mail from people who like Paul.
Holy Poo, I know *exactly* what you're talking about! Just the other day, I was reading this hate mail letter, and it was all like calling me a gold-digger, or something. What the hell? I never worked in a coal mine! Some people are just totally ignorant. My advice to you is to write an even bigger book, that graphicly describes your brief and insignificent relationship with this rich dude (even if you have to make most of it up!). Like, all that crap about learning from your mistakes is bull poo! What the public really means when they tell you to rot in hell, is that they want MORE. More sex, less story line. More imaginary, fictional details, less truths. The first time I wrote "Out on a Peg", the critics all slandered me and junk, calling my autobiography a "compilation of utter lies and myths" as well as "a smutty recollection of deceitful sexual encounters with rich celebrities". Okay, *maybe* that's true, but what's their point exactly? By critisizing my integrity, what they're *really* trying to tell me is, "Peg, tell us MORE! Write another book! Book equals money, money equals profit!" Thus, I wrote my second autobiography, "One Single Peg". And after its been on the sales wracks for three whole months now, I've sold *6* copies! Boo yeah, go Peg! So you see, anonymous person dude, there still is HOPE. Best wishes!
Problem: I'm totally in love with john lennon and in school everyone makes fun of him and I can't ignore it..
LOL! I think there's a simple and obvious solution, dear Scotland: stop obsessing over old, dead dudes. You should always submit to peer pressure and go to any lengths that will make you look cool. If your friends tell you to do something, do it. If Justin Timberwhatever is the "it" man of the moment, start liking him instead. There's a whole life of conformity and happiness awaiting you, as long as you stop being an indivisual and do what society tells you. Like, I'm SUCH a neato councelor!
Name: The New Mrs. Harrison
Problem: Why are you "Rap Mastah Peg" now? Did you win American Idol over in England?
Lizzen foo', cuz I only gonna jive dis once, yo: Rap Mastah' Peg makes me sound crunkin...no, DOPE...no, NEATO! Dig? So enough of dis "What yo name is?" biz, cuz da Peg has SPOkEN!
Tearin' da Club Up,
Name: Marie - Argentina
Problem: Um... hello... Heather, I feel guilty. What do you think Paul would say if people started hating you more than they hate Yoko?
Paul Answers: Yoko is a bloody tart, who refuses to kiss my ass and give me full custody of "Yesterday". Such a crime is mundane, and purely unforgivable. What has my dear Heather done to make people hate her so? Just because I'm 26 years her senior, doesn't mean she hasn't got IMPECCABLE taste in men.
All the best!
Name: Dr. Ruth
Problem: Heather, has your prosthetic limb ever gotten in the way of your *ahem* sex life? Also, what positions are you able & not able to do? I imagine that the wheel barrow is out of the question!
Dude, when you've been prostituting the streets of London for 13 odd years, there ain't much a handicap should prevent! And besides, Paul finds my disabili-whatever strangely erotic. He says that prosthesis limbs are the new sex toy and everyone should have one. Hmm...strikes me as a facinating marketing idea. Summon Geoff, and a Patent dude! I need more $money$ after my poor autobiography flopped (for the second time).
Name: Linda Weischedel, from Philadelphia
Problem: Hiya Heather, I must comment you first...you married the sweetest guy going! Anyway my problem is I want to move out of my Mom's house, but I don't have the funds to do this, what do you suggest I do in this case, I have a monthy income, but that is it, can yah hook me up with what I can do? Thanks a lot, Linda
Oh, your predicament (how totally smart sounding like) is easy as pie. All it takes is 4 steps to own your dream home. First, go house-hunting in the richest neighborhood in town! Remember, money is not an issue. Once you have selected the house you'd like, sit in your car and wait. Just keep waiting til the residents of the home leave for lunch or something. Next step, switch your mailbozes (to confirm residence of your soon-to-be new home). Finally...break through a window, and lock all the doors! Problem solved, case dismissed. Genious, isn't it? Takes me back to my realistate dealing days.
Name: Marla - Liverpool
Problem: I want to marry some one who resembles Ringo Starr, or at least one of the beatles, at least if anything he's got to be british, know any good look alikes? any beautiful brits? say hi to paul from me!
Paul: After some careful analysis to your inquery, I think it best you start by eliminating everyone who DOESN'T look like Ringo Starr. Knock off the entire population of attractive people and you're down to 6 billion. Now, all those with who human sized noses...vamoose! You're down to 50 million. Let's not forget about those who DON'T retain a lottery number of wrinkles, which puts us at a remaining 10 thousand people, who MIGHT look like Ringo Starr. Anyone who doesn't sound like a toad? 500 hundred bastards in total. There you have it. A sum of 500 hundred perfect Ringo look-a-likes to choose from.
A Very PMS-y,
Problem: Is pink your favourite colour? If so...why? AND, most importantly, WHY do you make Paulio always wear something pink?!?
Whatever gave you THAT idea? Like, I never wear pink. I prefer more feminine shades like mustard, brown, hobo-color and grey. They accentuate my natural beauty. As for Paul and his pink fetish, you'll have to take that question up with him. I blame it on his homosexual tendancies.
Name: DJ Jazzy Geoff/ MPL dungeon
Problem:When I try to pump up the jam in my office, my da' gits himself all mad like and says 'fool! turn that damn thing off y'all should be listening to some mad stuff like Heather Mills' Vo!ce. Should I listen to the old man and jive to that bossy ass biotch?
Paul: Evidently, a naughty little publicist has snucken into a certain little knighted fat bastard's weed stash. And we all know naughty little publicists get lumps of PUBLICITY STUNTS in their stockings for Christmas when they do silly things like stealing their employer's jonga. Back to the dungeon with you!
Name: An angered John Lennon from the Great Beyond
Problem: You bloody skank! George and I know what you are up to, and what you are going to do to Macca! Keep your damn bloody hands off of my luv, or there will be wrath to behold from me, George, Linda, and many others! ...I'm keeping an eye on you!
Ooo, I'm like SO scared...not! Gmme your best shot, dead dude! I'm still the one with Paul's wallet so you don't scare me. Say it to the PEG cuz the face don't wanna listeeeen.
Name: Lauren B from Florida
Problem Thingy: OMG! You are like so my favorite person in like the whole world...even more than Britney Spears! My question is...how many times a day do you say "like" or "as if"?
As if! Like, I never say those things. Psh! Whatever...I mean, as if! That is totallly a generalization thingie. I talk all articulate-like. Don't be jealous, I'm a natural good speaker person...I talk good.
Name: Walter Mondale, Candidate for President
Problem: Where's the Beef?
Paul Answers: IN MY PANTS.
Name: Hannah McCartney Columbia, MO
Problem: My best friends is getting into a lot of drugs and hanging with some really 'bad' (i guess you could say) kinda kids and im trying to persuade her to get her act together. any tips peg? oh by the way wanna hand over paul for a little while? we could always share. lol.
Hannah-fanna-fo-fanna-banana-fanna-fo-fanna...tee hee! Like, I'm so funny I crack myself up. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, drugs! Yeah um, drugs are bad. You should stop doing drugs, Hannah. Like, I heard that smoking pot can make your body turn inside out in your sleep! Eeww. Gross! You wouldn't want to wake up all inside out, would you? That would just be gay. You'de be ugly and none of the rich guys would want to marry you, and if they did, they'd make you sign a lousy pre-nup and then what would be the point of living? However, I have a simple solution. Just collect all you and your friends stash of drug poo, and mail it to Sir Porky. Trust me, he won't let it go to waste.
Stay in school and don't smoke sex!
Name. Jenny, CO
Problem: George Harrison isn't going to be able to marry me.
Geoff: What kind of incoherent question is that? On behalf of Heather and Paul, yes, we have noticed Mr. Harrison ain't skipping around the maypole any longer and even if he was, he'd still be happily married to that Mexican lady. Nevertheless, this *is* an advice column so we suggest taking up with his son, Dhani.
Name: i am still paul
Problem: How can i get my hot teacher Mr.Laing (not chinese) to bed?
Dammit, Paul, how many times do I have to tell you to stop trying to seduce your voice instructor, Mr. Laing? That's totally not cool, I mean, he isn't even that rich! The only money he makes is from what you pay him to keep your voice from sounding geezery. Besides, you need to stop pretending to be gay before Geoff finds out and has another cardiac arrest! I consider myself all liberal and junk but gayness, abortion thingies, Republicans, people from Canada, pro-guns, mormons, and tofu? That's just retarded. And retardedness is gay. So don't be gay.
Geoff Signs in Again: AAAAAHHHH!!! Holy SHIT! On Heather's behalf, she completely retracts her statement about homosexuallity, abortion, the Republican party, Canadians, and Mormons (the guns and tofu can stay). You must understand, our dear Heather suffers a case of...terret syndrome. Yes, that's right. Terret. Right.
In Great Need of a Morphine Fix,