Chapter Seventeen


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"Hamburg Nights"

8:13 PM. I drearily watched the long hand of the clock move slower and slower. It had been three hours and I was just lying in my hospital bed, staring at my surroundings, boredly. I nearly memorized every crevice, every line, every object in that secluded space. Time just dripped by, the minutes surpassing at the speed of mollasses. At 8:30, I would be allowed visiting hours. I didn't know whom to expect but I prayed it was Stuart. Every moment I wasn't with him, I missed him terribly. Suddenly, the door opened. In came a small fellow, his balding head shadowed with a tuft of silver hair, and wearing a pair of circular black-framed bipholcals. He wore a long white coat with aqua hospital-style slacks. "Hello, Miss uh," he glanced at his clipboard. "Trixi, is it?"
"Yes," I said softly.
"Well then, good evening to you, my dear. How are you feeling?" he asked, scratching the back of his head. "Fine, thank you. Who are you?"
"I'm Dr. Haimon. I've been your doctor for the last, two-three weeks. Its nice to see you conscience again. You've been out for quite some time now." He stated.
"Have I? I don't remember a thing, really." I admitted.
"Surely, you have. Anyways, I came in here because I had something I needed to discuss with you. Its my duty to inform you that you've suffered from a severe case of bullemia, an eating disorder that can usually relate to some psychological problems. In light of this, we must strongly advice you some...extra therapy." He began.
"What ever do you mean?" I inquired.
"When I say extra therapy, what I mean is seeing a psychologist. Now before you object, the hospital is willing to supply a very well-acclaimed kind of doctor who can help you get to the root of these problems your experiencing. We cannot require you to go through with it, but we highly recommend it for your best interest."
I pulled my blanket over my chest and crossed my arms, filled with anger. "I don't need your f*cking shrink, danke. My problems are MY buisness, not some ultimate stranger who gets payed to listen to my bullsh*t and generalize a conflict they think I have."
Appalled, Dr. Haimon exclaimed, "That's exactly what I'm talking about! You obviously have some stored in anger and resistance to getting help. I am offering to help you. How can you deny that?"
"Is this therapy mandentory by law?"
"Well, no..." he struggled, wiping his forehead.
"Then, my answer to you is f*ck NO." I snarled, bitterly.
"You're making a big mistake, Trixi. You may not know it now, but it will catch up with you one day." he proposed. "One day, it will indeed catch up with you."
"Heeeey!" John happily greeted as he enfolded me in his loving arms. "How the f*ck are ya?" he teased. I giggled and hugged him tightly. "Good, good. I'm just dying to get out of this place, John. It's so boring here. Do you know when I'm allowed to be released?"
He laughed. "Makes you sound like a prisoner, wanting to be 'released'. I spoke to the administration woman downstairs and she said you are free to leave tomorrow."
"Oh no! John, I don't have any money. How am I suppose to pay for all of this?"
"Not to worry, babe. Klaus is taking care of the bill." he said.
"Klaus?" I was a little surprised.
"Yeah, Klaus. He's doing all the payments so you girls don't need to panic over it." John added.
"Thats fantastic. What a relief." I sighed.
"It's no problem. He's just happy to help. So have they been feedin' ya?"
I nodded. "Ja. Some sh*tty soup and crackers, I s'pose. It's all my stomach can really handle, ya know?"
"Trixi," John said in a caring voice, "when you are back home and all of this is over're not going to keep...purging. Are you? I mean, I should say, this would teach you a lesson! But your doctor says you don't want to talk this out with a crazy-doctor. He's concerned. Should I be?"
"Of corse not, John. There's nothing to be concerned about. I'm fine, I'm over this. After an experience like this, I could never go back." I tried to convince him. He tilted his head and looked me deep in the eyes. "Are you sure?"
"Positive. Look, I'll even eat right now." I picked up a dish of crackers next to the bed that had been sitting since lunch-time. Without a second thought, I bit into the hard, crunchy chip, its salty flavour filling my mouth. In actuallity, I had eaten a bite of food since just then. The cracker was bathed in calories and sprinkled with sodium; I could almost feel my body sucking in its fatty content. A raw, disgusted feeling quenched the pit of my stomach as I swallowed the dry substance. Instantly, I reached for the tall glass of water and dilluted the taste.
"Good, I'm proud of you." John said, kissing my cheek. I forced a smile and lie back into my pillow, feeling the dread of fat overwhelm me. If only he knew.
"You look pretty," he suddenly spat out. I gaped at him, sheepishly staring at his fidgeting hands. He then looked back up at me. "You do."
"Thank you," was all I could say.
"Trixi, what happened that night?"
F*ck. The unspeakable had finally be spoken. I had dread the moment would come when he and I were alone, talking casually, until one of us brought it up. Naturally, it wasn't going to be me (since I was the one who knew what had happened in the first place). But it took me by shock. I lied there, speechless for a moment and trying to draw any words to reply.
"Um, but...what, um, night?" I stammered. I sounded like an idiot.
"Don't tell me you've already forgotten!" He sarcastically put. I laughed, a bit awkwardly but knew there was no way around the matter. He was waiting for my reply.
"No, I remember...THAT night. It was three months ago, was it not?"
"Who really cares, anyway? Its not the date thats important." he answered matter-of-factly. Though he had a point. "Well...what about that night?" I asked, innocently.
"Why did you do it?" He bluntly said. I held my hands in my lap and bit my lip. "Did it mean anything to you?"
Answering a question with a question. A clever technique, indeed. "I don't know...I mean, did it mean anything to YOU?" he asked back.
"Do you want the truth?" I uncomfortably reasoned. "Please," he insisted.
"I care about you SO much. I love you with all of my heart, and you mean the world to me. If I were not Stuart's, I would want you even more. On that particular night...something happened. At the party. I can't tell you WHAT or give you any of the details. But it was imperative. It made me loose control. You were there for me, so I turned to you. I wasn't using you, per se...but if I was, I didn't mean to. It wasn't my intention. You...don't understand quite anything, I'm you?"
He smiled. "Sort of. But enough to forgive you, if you DID use me." I held out my arms to him, and he climbed onto the matress, snuggling close against me, with my arms around him.
"Oh John," I sighed. "Why is life such an un-dying b*tch?"
He rested his head on my chest and shrugged. "Dunno. Probably because love is so damned complicated."
"That sounds practical. Even logical. I'm willing to agree to that theory." We laughed and cuddled closer.
"One day," he said, "we will wake up. We will wake up, Trixi, and come to the realization of how little we know about ourselves. How insignificent all of life's little problems are, and finally see the big picture. And when that day comes, I hope I'm not alive to see it."
I watched the clock, ever so dilligently. 9:21 PM. At 9:30, visiting hours would be over and I was stuck on my lonesome (John has left a half an hour ago). Paul had dropped in for a couple minutes, in that time period, and George was on a date, so he couldn't make it. The one I longed to see, was none other than Stuart. I squeezed my blanket and watched the clock strike 9:23. Even seven minutes alone with my love was better than nothing at all. "Come on, Stuart. Where are you?" I whispered in despair. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so over-eager; after all, I was dismissed from the hospital, the following day. But that thought didn't occur to me, then. I just wanted my boyfriend. At 9:25, the door swung open and there he stood. As handsome as ever. His skin was soaked in a sweet-scented cologne, his eyes hidden behind a pair of dark shades, with a scarf tied around his neck, and his hair brushed back. I nearly squealed with delight. "Baby!" I exclaimed, with excitement.
He dashed to me, slamming the door behind him, and pulled me into his arms. I reached up and took off his glasses, so I could look into his eyes. They were big, and dark like two eclipse moons that sparkled so softly. Throwing the glasses on the nightstand, I then pursued my lips to his and we kissed like mad. He must have missed me even more than I, he. Stuart ran one hand in my hair, while the other held my cheek. I kept kissing his lips as I hugged him close. He was now, on top of me. I took the ends of his scarf and tugged him closer, giggling. My mind was finally at ease. Stuart smiled as I playfully cuddled with him. I ran my hand over his shirt and he watched, growing more impatient.
"I love you, Trixi." he faintly said. He used his finger to tilt my head up, whereas we could gaze into eachother's eyes. "Oh Stuart," I moaned. Never before in my life, had I felt more in love than I did at that moment. I could have just stared into his eyes all night. He carefully unwrapped his scarf and set it on the nightstand, quietly. I helped him out of his jacket, and it slipped onto the floor. I was ready for him.
Stuart pulled off his boots, kicking them under the bed. I bit my pinky fingernail, not even taking the time to blink. Then, he pulled off his shirt and leaned over me. We kissed once more, before I reached for his belt.
Knock knock.
I paused. Someone was at the door. "Go away!" Stuart yelled to the door, furociously. I hugged his body to mine, not wanting to let him go. A voice spoke. "It's me, Astrid. I need to talk to Trixi. It's important."
My heart skipped a beat. The pregnancy test! I looked up at Stuart, who refused to release me from his arms. He called, "Can it wait?"
"I'm afraid it can't. I really need to talk to her and I only have one minute before visiting hours are over." she explained.
Stuart groaned, frusterated. "Oh, please don't be upset, Stu. Another time, maybe. I'll be coming home tomorrow."
He climbed off the bed and began to dress himself. "Can I pick you up?"
My face lit up with joy. "That sounds wondeful! Would you?"
"Yeah, sure. How does 2 o'clock sound for you?" he said.
"Sounds great! I can't wait. I'll see you then?"
"Yeah, definitely." He agreed. He had gathered all his loose clothing and then turned for the door but stopped. "Trixi," he said to me, "I love you. I do."
I could feel my eyes begin to water. "I love you too, Stuart. Goodbye."
He gave me one last kiss on the lips and then, he left. Just as he walked out, Astrid came in with vital news on the tip of her tongue. I took in a deep breathe. For the news she brought now, could change both of our lives...

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