The hoarse coughs escaping my lips echoed in the motionless bathroom, as I leaned over the the glistening toilet bowl. Substances of my last meal reappeared, looking partially digested and rather unpleasant. The notorious taste was still present in my saliva, as I spit up the last of any contents left in my feeble stomach. I collapsed from my kneeling position to lie on the hard, cold floor. Images played in my mind, reflecting the previous night. All the kissing and fondling, caressful embraces. Let alone, the love we made under a thicket or twinkling stars. I could still hear John's moaning, and visualize the trickle of sweat fall from his sloping chin. Never in my life had I experienced a romance so powerful as that. Never in my life.

I held my weak stomach and watched the ceiling hanging above. Then, a new production played in my head. Stuart and Astrid in a compromising position, kissing like lovers do. It was inconceivable to ponder. Astrid, whom I knew since my youth, a gentle and shy soul, the quiet photographer, steady girlfriend to Klaus, and best friend of mine, was with MY boyfriend. So many questions filled my head at that time. What lead them up to that point? How long had this been going on? How did it even begin? What about Klaus? Were they drunk? Was one of them seduced by the other? Which one? Had I really seen what I saw? Was it an illusion of my mind? As all these queries taunted my mind, I just knew I had lost it. Lost everything. I couldn't control my life, my friends, my loves, my losses. I glanced down at my flat stomach, and it made me smile. That was one thing I COULD control. My weight. If nothing else, I could always maintain my weight and no one could take that away from me.

'F*ck it,' I thought to myself. 'Even if Stuart leaves me for Astrid, I can still look damn good. I'll still be beautiful, I'll still be thin.' It calmed me a little and I sighed, holding my fragile tummy. Strangely, I felt something bumpy in my hand. It was the faint pertruding of my bottom rib growing closer to the skin. Just then, the door knocked.

Trixi, are you in there?" It was George. He had that small, childish voice that always caught one's attention. I sat up and answered, "Yes, I'm here. I was just...washing my hands." Grabbing a small towel, I began to wipe off my rough hands, unlocking the door and pulling it open. George looked up at me, with his eyes so big and bright. "Are you okay?" He asked me with compassion. I nodded, doing my best to not look in his eyes. That didn't fool George. "You look...pale. What is the matter?"
"I do? Oh, that's a bit daft. I feel find, I feel..." I scurried for words.
"Trixi, please don't lie to me. No one ever takes me seriously, no one ever listens. No one tells me anything and they all think I just don't know. They act like I'm naive and I'll swallow any deception I'm fed. Please, Trixi. I just want to help. You can trust me with whatever it is."
It took me by surprise. I never really thought of it that way. Maybe George COULD make it better. And why the hell not? I had nothing to lose by talking to him.
"George, I'm sorry I've never confided in you. But if you really want to know what's bothering me, I'll tell you." I proposed.
He walked into the little bathroom and shut the door. We sat together on the floor and I began. "Last night, I saw Astrid and Stuart...together. They were lost in a moment of passion and...it hurt. It hurt me a lot. I mean, how could this happen? I didn't stop to think things through. Instead...I f*cked John. I know, I know! I can't even begin to explain why, or what motivated my actions but I did. I guess I just needed some kind of condolence; it didn't matter from whom. I needed someone to love me and to make me feel loved. Seeing Stuart and Astrid together just...woke up some bitter memories of my last boyfriend, Gustav. It opened up a wound, so to speak. I love Stuart will all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind. Why he could do something like that is beyond me. I thought he loved me too. Obviously not. And what about John, George, what about John?! What am I suppose to tell him? That I f*cking used him? Its not like I did it to get back at Stu or any kind of 'revenge' retaliation. But nonetheless, I didn't sleep with John because I loved him or felt strong feelings for him. John was there for me, and had it been you at the time, I probably would have screwed you. God, I'm such a bad person. I'm such a f*cking idiot!"

George put his arms around me and hugged me close. "You're not an idiot, Trixi. I can't say I agree with what you did, but at least you can acknowledge your fault and you realize it was wrong. Don't put yourself down, love. You are smart, and beautiful and...you're grand, Trix." He held me against his young body and stroked the back of my hair. I almost felt like weeping, just letting it all out. I just as well might have...should a knock not have appeared against the door...

 

"Trixi! Come 'ead, get out of there." the voice instructed. None other than John. He sounded slightly irritable and maybe even worried. I stood up with George. "Thank you, love, for listening. It feels better to talk about it," I whispered in his ear as I hugged him once more. "No problem, sweetheart. You go out there and be a good little girl." He teased. I slapped his bum and then opened the bathroom door. It was the first time I really looked at John since we got into the house safely. How devilishly awkward. Of corse the great John Lennon would never show discomfort in a situation like this. Somehow, he could present that feeling of embarrassment into a witty, crude vulgarity. "So how's my little f*ck buddy?" He greeted, in a charming tone.

I laughed at him, feeling a little more comfortable. "In your dreams, love." I hissed, sassily. "Oh, I'll nail you some day or other." He winked at me, messed up my hair in a frictiony scratch, then pushed past me to get into the loo. George and I exchanged shrugs then parted our seperate ways. Feeling rather grungy in my old clothes, I figured I'd go change into something cleaner. I walked into the bedroom, pulling off the black sweater to toss it on the floor when I suddenly saw Stuart. He was lying in the bed, his eyes half-opened, stark naked from the looks of it. I fell silent, and all I could do was stare.

He noticed my presence and rubbed his dreary eyes. "Hey baby," he said nonchalantly. Stu's eyes opened a little wider, as he suddenly took note of my top being off. Looking down at himself, he seemed befuddled. "Whoa. Did we f*ck last night cause I don't remember a thing?" he laughed. I paused. That one simple statement proved one thing: Whatever had him under an influence last night, he was intoxicated. He also didn't have any memory of what happened, which insinuated HE was not a part of the crime. So it was Astrid. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to be relieved that my boyfriend hadn't intentionally cheated on me, or hurt that my bestfriend had betrayed me. A sudden mix of emotions. But the sight of Stuart's innocent eyes, curious face, and innocuous smile, I knew I couldn't blame him. Maybe it was better he didn't know what happened between him and Astrid. Maybe it was better he didn't know what had happened between John and I. What you didn't know couldn't hurt you, right? And as they say, some things are better left unsaid. Two simple cliche`s were an easy excuse to bullshit my way out of the situation.

I crawled into the bed and slipped on top of Stu. "That's right, baby. It was just you and I." I kissed his salty lips and then pulled back for a moment. "So...you don't remember ANYTHING that happened last night?" He bit his lip in thought. "Well I do remember this." He leaned in and french kissed me softly. It was good to feel his kiss again. But it was the same kiss he had shared with my bestfriend only hours ago...

***

"Luvvies! I'm home!" called Astrid as she walked into the flat with a handful of groceries. I was leaning against the kicthen table with my arms crossed. I'd been waiting for her to get back for over an hour. In the meantime, Paul and John were playing chess on the kitchen floor, Stuart was taking a shower, and George was writing a letter to a friend about the exciting night he'd had before. "Hi Trix," Astrid said amiably. I just gave her a hard, cold stare. She noticed, and arched her brows. "What?" she asked innocently, as she dropped the bags on the counter. John glanced up and saw the look on my face. "Er, Paul, let's go dirty magazine hunting." He suggested. Paul sneared, "What, now? But we're in the middle of a game here."
"Paul! We can finish playing later, I thought I saw some Playboys in the trunk. C'mon, let's give it a go. There might be some Bridgette Bardot pictures."
"You've convinced me. See you in a minute, girls." The lad dashed out, leaving Astrid and I alone.
"Is there something on your mind?" Astrid asked me. She had set all the groceries down and was waiting for my reply. I sat on a chair casually and said, "Oh nothing, really. I was merely just chatting with Klaus over the phone."
"Oh really?"
"Sure. He sounded quite abliged to hear from me. Says you haven't rung him up in quite a while. Any particular reason?"
"No, not really. Just been buisy, I guess. What else did he say?"
"Ah, we started talking about Stu. Klaus is really fond of him. Thinks he and I make a great couple. He can see how much I love him. And vice versa."
Astrid fidgetted, a bit out of place. "Is that so?"
"Absolutely. Stuart means more to me than anyone in the world. I can't picture living another day without him. Isn't he just great?"
"Yes, he's something alright." she said, more quietly.
"Its so nice to have so much support too. Klaus supports our relationship, and so do the boys...you do too, right?"
She swallowed down hard. "All the way, Trix. You two are really...happy together. I guess thats the way it should be."
"Yeah, I know. I think Stuart's THE ONE. You know when you can just tell you were meant to be with someone forever and always? That's how I feel about him. Talked to him this morning as well."
Her eyes widened in horror. "What did he say?" she demanded.
"Just a few little things. Like how much he loves me, you know, the lot."
Astrid had the look of guilt inscribed all over her face. She looked at me with eyes of silver liquid, and a crumbled smile about to scream. Like a time-bomb about to explode. I could see the suffering it put her through but it wasn't half as bad as what she'd done to me.
But still...
I could see tears in her eyes and I knew, it wasn't just her eyes that wept but a broken heart as well. I sighed. 'Some things are better left unsaid,' I repeated to myself.
I put my arms around Astrid and held her close, like George had held me. "You know, don't you? He told you, didn't he? Trixi, I'm so-"
I pushed my finger to her lip to stop her, shaking my head. "Astrid, I think we all f*cked up last night. But...let's just forget about it. Let's put it behind us, love."
"But Trixi, I have felt so ba-"
"Astrid," I interrupted. "It's over. It's done. It's in the past. You're sorry. I know. I understand. There's nothing more to talk about. I love you. I forgive you."
Right there and then, she broke down in my arms like never before. Her sobs broke in short, choppy cries of inner-pain. "I'm so sorry!" she wept in my ear. "I'm so very sorry!"
I nodded and closed my eyes. "It's okay, Astrid. I promise. It's okay."