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Hello again, this is Geoff Baker (Paul McCartney's publicist), and welcome back to the autiocassette version of my autobiography, "Why My Life's A Living Hell". If you're just joining us, we're 36 hours into the original book, which I have been reading alloud for the past 28 tapes. Welcome to Tape number 29, side B, Chapter 317.5 of "Why My Life's A Living Hell". Introductions aside, let's get back to where we left off. My job.
Working for Paul is like being married to Satan, the Lord of all evil. As you know, I'm his publicist. Now let's look at that word. Publicist. Its more of a polite way of saying, "No one loves you, file through the sh*t your employer puts you through and then crawl back into your cave until Paul f's up again". That's my life, folks. THAT is what being a publicist is all about. Straightening up Paul's bull, breaking bad news, and staying awake sleepless nights wondering where I left my Diet Coke. Its not that I don't like Paul. I HAVE to like him, thats just not an option. But some of the crap he puts me through! Sure, Paul gives you his smiles, laughs, witty comments, and delightful replies to your posh questions. But whose the b*stard who has to clarify what Paul REALLY means when he says, "Sure, I'll appear naked in Playgirl next month." ? ME. That's who. The unloved, under-payed, under-fed, barrer-of-bad-news, go-to-hell-and-burn publicist. Geoff Baker. Riiiight.
 In light of Paul's new Plan of which he has called Operation Look-At-Me, I have decided to publish once and for all the clarifications of Paul's many claims and statements to the press. I'll clear up some rumors and...what's that you say? What is Operation Look-At-Me? Oh. Riiiight. This is Paul's new technique of getting attention. Like performing at Super Bowls and writing grade G songs about America. Books of art and poetry help contribute to Op. LAM. But I didn't write this book so I could share the details of Paul's gritty schemes. The purpose of this next section is to say once and for all what Paul really means and clear up any rumors that have been circulating in my line of fire. This is gonna be hell...I may need another Diet Coke...
Let's begin. Rumor # 1 = Is Paul really going through with this marriage to Heather Mills because he loves her, or is it part of Op. LAM? To answer this rumor is to answer any other rhetorical question thats not meant for answering. Paul's love life is as complicated and complex as my life in high school. You wish it would finally end but it never does. All I can say on behalf of Paul, is that these two are getting married. Why? The hell if I should know. I'm Paul's publicist, why should I know THAT?
Rumor # 2 = Does Paul still smoke pot? Bloody hell, Paul, how do you get me into this mess? To be quite honest, Paul perfers not to smoke "pot". He says he's more of a "crack" baby, and he rather fancies weed, crack, grass, and reifer...but not pot. Heather has been influencing him not to partake in the evils of drugs. Hmm, influencing....more like flushing his stash down the loo. Good for her. Make my life a little easier...
Rumor # 3 = Is Paul really a pervert? These rumors started when the tabloids fessed up to Paul's "bathroom reading" as he bought a book entitled 100 Ways to have a Trully Explosive...alright, the name's not important. The point is, he bought this...interesting title and was caught in the act. Since then, the public has discovered what "Sir" has been up to lately thus causing many new rumors about Paul's perversion. So is Paul a perv?...................................................... ........................................................... ........................................................... ........................................................... ........................................................... ........................................................... ........................................................... ........................................................... ......................................................... ...........................................yes.
Rumor # 4 = Is Paul still a big womanizer like he was in the '60s? Well you would think by now that a man his age would find it more difficult to be getting layed quite so much. But the awful truth is, he's still "picking up chicks" while I, on the other hand, am married to an old bitty with a croaking cough and arthritus pains everytime this little Geoff is feeling *in the mood*. I was reading the papers the other day, seeing my very own quotes representing Sir. To my misfortune, I was labelled as "said McCartney's spokesmen". Bloody hell. Is that all the credit I get for the sh*t I deal with day by day...by day...by day? To answer my own question, YES. Riiiight.
Rumor # 5 = Does Paul really have a cap on one of his front teeth? Yes, and the stupid bastard had it fall off at a public dinner party, a couple years ago. It made headlines as the truth of Old Man Paul began creeping into light. Great, now my employer gets a geezer-complex. That's all I need right now. To make up for the bad rap, Paul makes more ridiculous plans for Op. LAM. Which makes my life more of a living hell.
These are just a few of many, MANY rumors I have to clarify. If you're interested in reading them all, go to Volume 14, Chapters 236-244 to read them in their entirety. I selected just a certain few that I felt were getting annoying common and annoyingly redundant. For now, I am off to get a morphine fix. Insert Autiocassette tape # 30, side A to continue. Riiiiiight.
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