"Trixi. Trixi, dear, it's time to wake up. We're escorting the boys to the train station and you need to get ready to leave. Come on, now. Wakey, wakey." Astrid gently shook my arm. I squinted my lids, lazily and peered up at her. She was already dressed, wearing a black off-the-should sweater, and tight leather pants. I could smell the sweet mist of perfume, glowing off her. It was a fateful day, that day in Hamburg. The end of an era, the beginning of a new life. A life without Stuart. A life without love. The night before, we kissed and said good-byes. As we drove home, the car was thick with silence. Upon reaching home, I ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I was so heart-broken, I needed something to calm myself down. Sleeping pills. Four long tablets swallowed with a glass of water. It took a minute for my body to register, and recognize the drug. I remembered changing into my night gown, then sitting up in my bed for a moment. That was it. I must have passed out right then and there.
"Are you awake, love? You must get dressed. The boys are expecting us in one hour." Astrid allerted me, as she stripped the blankets from my bed. I groaned, feeling groggy and exhausted. The pills hadn't completely worn off and I was irritable. "Go get ready, and I'll fix us a quick bite to eat."
I slumped out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. There, sat the toilet right in front of me. Like a force of habit, I knelt on the tile, before it, and reached my finger down my throat. Then, I paused.
What was I doing? I had just gone through a life and death experience, serving three weeks in the hosptial, and nearly loosing my life. Now, only one day later, I was back to my old habits again? I extended my finger out of my mouth, then, quietly set down the toilet seat. It had to end. I finally realized I couldn't continue doing this to myself. The idea was a little apprehensive at first. How would I keep my weight down? Could I still be attractive if I stopped? What would become of me? There were no definite answers to my questions. But somehow, I would make it through. Confident and strong, I swaggered out the bathroom door and into the kitchen, ravenously searching for something to eat.
At 3:45 that evening, Astrid and I approached the prison where the boys were being held. I had wrapped myself in a dark green over-coat that concealed the small black dress underneath. My make-up was heavy but ellegant, and my dark hair hung loose from the usual pony-tail. I tapped my foot, impatiently on the floor of the car. We parked near the front, and entered the building.
Stuart instantly looked up as the prison room door opened. "Trixi!" he cried, relieved I had showed up so soon. "You're here! Oh, thank God." I nestled back in his arms, feeling small and lost. "Of corse I'm here," I said as bravely as I could. Astrid strolled over to the other lads, and sunk into John's arms. "Hey princess, how you doing?" he asked her, warmly. She just nodded, hugging him close.
I glanced at Paul and George. They were standing, expectantly, waiting for their hugs. Smiling, I released myself from Stu so I could hug them. "Me first!" Paul said. He reached over and yanked me to him. "We're gonna miss you girls. You know that, don't you?"
"I know," I said. "We'll miss you even more." I sighed to myself, as I eased away from Paul. He had on that innocent smile that came so naturally to his pouty face. I touched Paul's cheek. "It's been quite a time, hasn't it? You've grown so much."
Unwittingly, my words had galvenized sad emotions within him. Paul swallowed a lump of anguish in his throat and nodded. "Have I?" he asked, softly.
I nodded, smiling. "Yes, Paul. You certainly have." Paul took me in arms, one more time, just to show his appreciation. His love for me, and his respect. I layed my head on his shoulder and stood silently. "Thank you, Trixi," he whispered in my ear. "Thank you for everything." All I could do was nod.
"Can I get a hug or what?" George's little voice declared. I broke into a smile. "Yes, you can get you're hug." I giggled, slipping my arms around his tiny frame. I noticed he was taller, and even a little more masculine than when we first knew him. "You're a man now, George. You've grown the most!" I told him. It gave him a proud feeling and he hugged my even tighter. "Well I *have* learned a lot here," he admitted. "I now know the art of really snogging a lass. I mean, REALLY snogging. Giving it to her!" I laughed, and messed up his floppy hair. "Oh you!"
"Would you like me to show you?" he hopefully asked.
"I think you already HAVE showed her," John piped up, mischeviously.
"John!" I scolded. He snickered, evily, while gently pulling me away from George. "Let me show you how it's done."
John's curious fingers lightly petted the soft skin of my cheek, as he tilted my chin up, and leaned his lips temptingly close to mine. I could feel his warm breath right against my lips, moving closer with anticipation. His eyes were mildly focused on my quivering mouth, then beginning to close ever so slightly as he drew nearer. Finally, our lips met in a warm splash of star-crossed embrace. It was wrong, it was devilishly wrong. But it felt so right. The rhythmic movement of his lips kissing mine, opening and closing. It started as only a joke but deep inside, there was a personal attachment clinging onto an unweaving thread. As I sensed his tongue start to explore the boundries of crossing the border to my own mouth, I had to withdraw.
My heart ached, and I hoped with all hopes he could understand. John's eyes opened as he felt my absence and he looked at me, solemnly. There was a tide of hurt in his eyes, a glint of rejection, a pool of heart-break. But John knew better. And so did I. With that, he let me go. I forced a smile and gazed into his eyes. "I love you, John."
"Nah, I'm beginning to suspect you're just using me for the sex!" he joked.
We laughed again, more at ease. Just then, a guard entered. "Es ist Zeit abzureisen," said he.
The lads all turned to Astrid and I for a translation. My eyes blinked back tears. "He said it's time to go."
We had to drive in seperate cars, as the lads must be under supervision of the police at all times. It was mid-afternoon when we came to the train station. I peeked at my watch, in fear. The departing train would be ready to board in four minutes. The lot of us lurked outside the gate, waiting listlessly. It all came down to this.
"I'll saw John snog you," Stuart said, breaking the silence. I smiled. "Yeah, he was just showing George how it's done."
Stuart bit his lip, grinning. "That's John for ya. Always showing off."
I eyed him up, sweetly. "Well you know, you're a much better kissed than he."
He faked surprise and said naively, "Me? Better than John?"
"Surely! Trust me, I know these things." I kissed his lips, stricken by love. He was intimate with passion, and help up to my expectations. He really was better than John.
"Will you call?" I asked, returning back to reality.
"Every day, every night," he promised, speaking in a sexy, low voice.
"And you'll write to me?" I sweetly insisted.
"Until my fingers bleed," he predicted. I smiled, contently. "Good."
A cold breeze whistled through the station, tickling my nose. "It's getting a bit chilly." I said.
"I know," Stuart agreed. "Do you mind if I?" he began.
"No, not at all."
He moved behind me and slipped his arms around me, hiding his hands in my coat pockets for warmth. I leaned back against him, feeling his lips meet my neck in a soft embrace. Stuart kissed up the side of my neck, until he reached my cheek and planted a firm kiss right in my shy dimple.
I giggled happily and nuzzled his head. "Ich leibe dich," I faintly said.
"Ich liebe dich auch, meine Liebe." he vowed back.
The other lads were standing limply, tired from the poor sleep at prison, and cold from the frigid cooling air. With each breath returned a puff of cloudy fog, ascending to the heights of heaven.
And then, that notorious waling came yonder through. The distant cry of an arriving train, its wheels churning and heavy metal spinning. I recognized the sound like a bird could sense a nearing predator. The time had come. As the train stopped at a hault and all the present passengers had exitted, the guards instructed the lads to quickly board without any second notice. It was happening too fast, just so suddenly. One minute, my arms were wrapped around Stu in our cuddling position and the next, a policeman was breaking us apart until I was completely alone. Astrid lunged for me, and hugged my body, crying on my shoulder with her head turned away. I stood, motionless, watching Stuart step inside. He turned back to see me and we looked deeply into one another's eyes. 'I love you,' I mouthed to him. But before he could open his lips, a guard forced him through the train doors, and the others, closely behind.
The world span around me in an uproar of commotion and movement, but I stood quietly, watching my train prepare to leave. It might have been five minutes for it to actually move again. It might have been one hour. But I felt no time, that cold Hamburg day. Time did not exist. Time did not matter.
Then, the wheels began to take action. Slowly the train progressed from an uneasy pace to a quick dash. Once it has entirely passed, I turned away, with Astrid at my side. We walked across the cold, hard ground, heading for home. All I could hear was the echoing steps of my heals against that floor. All I could feel was the freezing wind beating against my face. Astrid turned to me, with a glint of hope glowing from her face. "Trixi, they will come back some day. I promise, they will come back." I nodded, and continued walking.
Suddenly, my bare fingers went numb from the violent wind. I clenched my hands into fists and buried them deep into my coat pockets. Out of no where, I felt a small, cold object sting one of my hands, within the pocket. Enticed with curiosity, I pulled out the foreign object, extending into clear view. And there before me, was a silver-bound ring with three small diamonds glittering ellegantly. I noticed a tiny inscription on the inner part that read: "Ich leibe dich". My heart skipped a beat.
Holding the engagement ring close to my chest, I turned to Astrid and said, "Something tells me we will be seeing the boys again soon."