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Memoirs Of A Model

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 Like, VIVA LA PEG!!! Tee Hee!

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Haven't you heard? Like, guess who is totally the new spokeschick for Dillards? That's right, ME! Tee hee. Oh wait...Macey's? Whatever. That's not the point. The point is, I'm a model again which means you are stuck seeing me EVERYWHERE! Thats right. Magazines (and not just Playboy), catalogues (and that just the Playboy Toyhouse), and ads all over the Internet (and now just Playboy.com). How coolio! By now, you have probably guessed why these new circumstances are so tight. Okay, reason-thingy number 1) Wherever Paul goes, he'll see my billboards everywhere and he'll have to think twice about picking up that hooker. 2) I get even MORE famous (then again, who HASN'T heard of Peg Mills?). 3) That Foley's place totally has to pay me to represent them. What? Macey's? Oh, oops. What I meant to say is Macey's is neato and Foley's is gay. Comprende? Tee hee! That is totally Italian. Wow, I'm so international. Oooo, that just made me think of the best JCPenny slogan: Viva La Peg! I love it! Now didn't I tell you I should get into marketing? Even Paul says that I'm completely full'a poo and so are those marketing people. Yay me! I mean, Viva La Peg!

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For those of you interested in modelling, let me tell you! It is HARD work :(. You see, I thought that when you modelled, some photo-peoples just took pictures of you and then you could be done. But NoOoOoOoOoO! Its a lot more complexiness-like than THAT. First, they make you get up early in the morning (which is SO not nice). Geoff says I'm b*tchy in the mornings.......but who cares what Geoff says? He smells funny. Whenever Geoff is being mean or a manic-depressive-suicidal-maniac, I usually say something witty and sassy (like calling him a fart-face!). Yeah, that usually shuts him up! Now about now, your wondering why the hell we're talking about Paul's smelly, suicidal publicist? Well I'm *TRYING* to teach you about modelling, dipsh*t, so shut up and listen! Tee hee! Yeah, I can be so intimidating.

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So here I am, awake at like the peek hours of the morning (oh my G, its usually like 11 in the morning!) and this really strange dude named Kelly, walks in and starts to do my make-up. He talks funny, and wears this ring in his left ear. Sometimes, he calls me "silly willy" and I SO think he must be coming on to me! Yeah, I get hit on everywhere I go. *sigh* How I wish Clinton would STOP CALLING ME! Do you hear that, Bill? I already told you! I won't accept anything under $800! Cheap bastard. But back to Kelly! He does my make-up and MAN, does he just do it aaaallll wrong? Okay, you're suppose to wear bright RED lip-stick with bright BLUE eyeshadow. Like, duh! Isn't that what Paul calls...um, what's it called? Mod? Yeah, thats it. Mod. Tee hee! And everyone knows that I, of all people, am the MODDEST! I'm so mod, I could out-mod Sticky! Just in case you didn't know, thats the name of this really famous sixties chick who was all famous, or something. They called her the Face of 66. Well, you can call ME the Face of 69!

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After my morningly make-over thingie, I change into some clothes stuff. What?!? I thought I got to wear my own clothes at these gay modelling shoots! Apparently, you're suppose to wear their designer label which in this case happens to be Dillards. So this photographer guy named Chuck starts posing me (how weird, he had the same strange accent as Kelly). Chuck is like SO artistic-y. He said that I should lean over in all my photos and lie around in these provocative positions. Like, what is THAT all about? Hey, you know who else insists I pose like that? Paul! I guess that makes him artistic-y too (after all, he once showed me this book of crappy paintings he did. There was one of this lady with yellow hair which I think was suppose to be me. Like, what a dork! My hair's not yellow...its pseudo blonde, foo'!). On the other hand, Chuck was kinda mean! He kept yelling at me and correcting me. He went on to say all this totally untrue stuff like I "never listen to him" and other crap, but I wasn't paying attention. Why are the pretty people always discriminated the most?

 
The best part of all is when we get to take a break (what the professional dudes call "taking 5"). There are many things you can do during a break. When Paul comes to watch, he and I make babies in the dressingroom. But when Paul's NOT around, I'm left to entertain myself. Poo! Though not to fear! I usually go treasure-hunting. Sometimes, I find people's wallets lying around in people's offices and I might "borrow" some cash every once in a while. Yeah, so?! Its not like I'm stealing or anything! I am merely sharing what is rightfully mine. And besides, if they didn't want to share with me (which isn't nice), then they wouldn't have left their money so obviously showing in the second drawer of their office desk. Duh! Oh, and also during breaks, I get to see other models running about, doing their thang. Ew, like most of them are SO skinny! I'll usually just sit around and fathom how much cuter I am then them. Cuz I SO am! After all, I'm the spokeschick for Foley's! Like, yeah! And they think they are so great cuz they represent other brands NO ONE has heard of (what's a Fendi anyways?).

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So what are the rewards of modelling? Is it the thrill of being photographed, the honor of representing a major-respected company, the excitement of becoming popular? No. It is the money. Yes, the money in large quantities. If you totally want to be like me and get into the world of modelling, it is important that you follow these simple guidelines:
  • Be aware who you are working for. The last thing you want to do is be modelling for some gay brand like Wal-Mart or Walgreens. 
  • Always push yourself to be perfect. Modelling agencies have no room for people who "give it their best shot". No. Inacceptable. If you are not perfect, then you must really suck. In that case, quit.
  • Get involved by any means necessary. Emploment may be difficult but there are way of mainpulating your employer. Take the Peg Technique: sleep with the manager. This always works!
  • Never work for practise of charity! Okay, I can tell you from experience to avoid these two evil opportunities. Somehow, Macey's double-crossed me and like, a chunk of the money they make in sales goes to charity: the fight against land mines. Its a good cause, but then again, why should we pay money to get rid of land mines? Why can't we just make them magically disappear. Life is so unfair.

By following these tips and guidelines, you are bound for the top, just like me. So what are you waiting for? Time's a wasting! There are plenty of bosses out there not getting any. Go forth and employ yourself! Tell 'em Peg sent ya!

VIVA LA PEG!!!



 
All celebrity content is parodized and impersonated (for accuracy). The photographs on this page are Macey's. All text on this page is Sabrina Lennon.