Heather: How is your chocolate milk?
Monkeye: A little bit grainy. Are you sure you mixed the powder all the way?
Heather: Hey look! A blue car! Tee hee!
Heather: Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention. So like anywho, what were we talking about? Oh yeah! Me, of corse! How silly of me.
Monkeye: Riiight...so tell us about your newest autobiography. Why did you decide to write a second one?
Heather: Well, when I wrote the first one, I had to make up all this pitiful poo in order for people to feel sorry for me and give me money. It mainly discussed living on the streets of London, getting my leg chopped off, and being forced into nudey pictures to survive. Since people believe *anything* these days, I got lots of good publicity. But back then, I wasn't very famous. All of that changed when I met Fattie.
Monkeye: Mr. McCartney?
Monkeye: Go on.
Heather: He spotted me accepting an award for all my "charity" [laughs]...sorry. Charity work. This was around the time the old bag died so he was particularly vulnerable.
Monkeye: That might be editted when this interview is released.
Monkeye: Calling Linda McCartney an old bag. Not in this interview, missy. You wanna call one of Paul's sluts an old bag, get it straight: Francie Schw*rtz.
Heather: Whose that?
Monkeye: Nevermind. Do, proceed...
Heather: Whatever. Anywho, Paul...like everyone else who lays eyes upon me...fell deeply and madly in love. At first, I was like, "Eeew! The Rolling Stones are SO old! How is he even alive?!" But then, someone told me he wasn't a Rolling Stone. And I figured since the Monkees were primarily a '70s band, he mustn't be THAT old.
Monkeye: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Heather: Shut up, Monkey! Lady Heather is speaking. As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, the old dude was only 42 and totally loaded. I think it was a match made in heaven. Paul turned my whole world around...
Monkeye: Oh, that's so romantic.
Heather: He started giving me lots of money to buy my affection! Isn't that sweet?
Monkeye: I should have known.
Heather: Silence, Monkey!
Heather: At that point, I knew it was time to ditch my old fiance` and move onto fatter and richer things. Paul and I hooked up, and that was that. All the publicity that came with it gave me lots of opportunities to get noticed. It became our mission to pull some of the most ridiculous and shameless stunts the public had ever seen.
Monkeye: Like Paul's official set of stamps?
Monkeye: And "Driving Rain"?
Heather: Darn tootin'.
Monkeye: AND the Paul McCartney Art Exhibit?
Monkeye: What about Paul throwing your engagement ring out the window?
Monkeye: So all of this was a scheme for publicity?
Heather: Don't forget Paul wanting to knock me up, Stella having a bitter hatred for me, and the song "Freedom".
Monkeye: How could I?
Heather: Tee hee! I feel your pain. But back to my story, having been with Paul for all this time now, I believed it was the right time to write another autobiography. This one could have a better focus on my relationship with what's-his-name.
Monkeye: May I read a passage directly from your new book, entitled "Out On a Peg"?
Heather: Most certainly.
Monkeye: This paragraph comes from your chapter on moral values. The passage reads: "To see the corruption land mines have ensued, and witnessing the horror of it's morbid affect on third world countries, I can't help but feel something is seriously gay with this situation. In a time of crisis, poor people need someone they can look up to and some one to offer a helping peg. That someone...is me." Pretty powerful stuff, huh?
Heather: I said that?! My editor must have made some neato alterations! But the gay part is all very true. It's just so gay that people keep stepping on landmines.
Monkeye: Yes, and another passage states: "I take my charity work very seriously. I mean, money means a lot to me. I take *money* quite seriously, and if people are submitting mullah to ol' Peggykins, rest assured, I take that VERY seriously."
Heather: Now, I *do* remembering writing *that*!
Monkeye: There's one part of your newest biography that I found rather skeptical though and I wanted to confirm it's liability. Quote: "In my day, I've been involved with some top celebrity names. The following are just a few I recall: George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Matt Camon, Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio..." This list goes on and on. Is this really true?
Heather: Like, duh! They all think I'm sexy. What? You callin' me a liar?
Monkeye: Why ever should I doubt your word?
Heather: True dat!
Monkeye: Well, Miss Mills, we only have time for one more question to wrap things up. Is that alright with you?
Heather: Yeah, whatever. I need to go shopping anywho.
Monkeye: Here it is, our last question: Who *really* designed that wedding dress?
Heather: Fuck off, Monkey!
Monkeye: That'll do, Peg. That'll do.